My Old Self Would Hate Me Now

As I was pushing Lyla and Archer around Target in one of those giant carts the other day, it dawned on me that I've become the person I used to hate.  When I was struggling with infertility, I couldn't stand to see moms pushing their kids around Target.  Or at the grocery store or walking around the neighborhood or...you get the idea.  It just hurt so freaking much to see other people with what I wanted most but couldn't have.

Don't even get me started with Facebook.  I felt like literally every single one of my friends were announcing their pregnancies or sharing baby pictures.  I had to unfollow friend after friend just so I wouldn't get depressed each time I logged on.

And I didn't want to feel that way.  I didn't want to be feeling jealousy.  I wanted to be happy for my friends and those nice moms at Target.  I just wasn't in a place where I could do that.

But now I'm that lady at Target and that friend on Facebook.  I'm the one unintentionally making other people upset.  And I hate that!  I want to give all those people struggling with infertility a big hug and tell them not to lose hope!  I know that I've inadvertently hurt other people who are struggling with infertility just by being in the same checkout lane at the store or by posting a picture of my babies on Facebook.

Infertility is something that sticks with you.  I still remember how sharp that pain can be.  Being on the other side, being an infertility survivor and IVF success story does take away most of that pain, but I sure remember how it felt.  I'll never forget how much it hurt to lose our first baby, how hard we tried to get pregnant again, and how long it took us to end up with Archer and Lyla.

So I am sorry.  I am sorry to those women who are still working towards becoming moms.  I am sorry the mere presence of me and my babies makes you depressed or angry or jealous.  It's okay if you want to punch me in the face.  It's okay if you walk away without returning my smile.  It's okay if you unfollow me on Facebook.  It's okay to feel what you are feeling.  And I sincerely hope that one day soon you'll get to be the kind of person you one day hated too.