Hope

Hope has been such an integral part of my life over the past two years.  It can be so uplifting and help propel you forward.  Hope has helped me move forward after the loss of my baby.  Hope has helped me deal with infertility.  Don't get me wrong, hope has been a big help.  But sometimes hope can be dangerous.  

Hope can be dangerous when you rely so heavily on it.  It feels like a slap in the face when things don't turn out how you hoped.  You start to question why you even bother with hope.  But hope is addicting, because it offers such promise.  So I continue to hope.  

Yesterday, I found out that I did not get pregnant this month.  I went through my usual disbelief.  I was so sure that this month was going to be the month.  And then I got angry.  How come I don't get to have a baby?  How come crack addicts get to have babies and I don't?  Then I started to meet up with my good friend hope again.  I tell myself that I need to stay hopeful and think positively.  I can't dwell on what didn't happen; I have to hope for what might happen next.

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And so I move forward with my hope renewed.  I can see my future and babies are a part of that.  Adam and I will get there one way or another.  Here's hoping.