Goodbye, Sweet Jazzy

I said goodbye to my sweet Jazzy on October 2nd and there's been a gaping hole in my heart ever since then.  There will always be a spot for Jazzy reserved in my heart.  

She was a rescue dog.  Yes, Adam and I adopted her from a little shelter in the middle of Kansas, but Jazzy is the one who truly rescued me.  I was still drowning in the sorrow of losing my first baby and the infertility that came afterwards when Jazzy entered our lives.  Adam and I both desperately wanted a baby, but a human baby wasn't yet in the cards for us.  So Jazzy became our baby.  

While I don't quite understand why things work out the way they do, I do believe there's something bigger than us.  The universe somehow brought Jazzy into our lives.  I knew she was meant to be ours when I saw her picture online.  Adam wasn't convinced until we visited her in person.  As soon as we arrived at the shelter "just to look" at her, she trotted right up to Adam and gave him a big ol' kiss.  Needless to say, we brought her home with us.  

And she was perfect for us.  She was just what I needed.  Looking back, I was severely depressed and really should have gotten some professional therapy.  But my therapy came in the form of Jazzy.  I started taking her for daily walks, which meant exercise for me.  She kept me company during a very lonely time.  She helped me to focus on the joys in my life instead of just the pain.  She helped me to welcome hope back into my life.  I just cannot fully express what she did for me.  She somehow knew when I needed extra snuggles or when I needed some comic relief.  Staring into her soulful little eyes helped me heal.  

Jazzy was such a good girl.  She was eager to learn new tricks and to please us.  She took it upon herself to be our guard dog and protector.  She rarely barked, but did alert us if someone she wasn't familiar with came to our door or if another dog dared to come too close to us.  She adored walks and her excitement for them was contagious.  She was happy to walk around our neighborhood and loved the new smells trails offered her.  

While Jazzy wasn't particularly close with Archer and Lyla, she knew her job was to protect them and she took it very seriously.  She always greeted us when we came home from somewhere and wouldn't head back to her perch on the back of the couch until both kids were in the house.  She put up with their incessant noise and activity in exchange for treats and bits of dropped food.  She never showed any jealousy towards the kids, despite them taking over most of our attention.  She was just as content to get a quick head scratch in passing.    

She was such a good girl.  The best girl.  

Less than a year ago, Jazzy was diagnosed with congestive heart failure.  She had always had a pretty prominent heart murmur, so we knew that congestive heart failure might be in her future.  We started her on medications and she responded really well to them for quite awhile.  Eventually, she maxed out on her medications and we knew it was time to start making plans so that her final days could be as comfortable as possible.  I read a lot about how to determine when the time was right to help your pet end their life.  Of course it's a gray area and ultimately you know your own pet best, but I read many accounts of people wishing they had made the decision earlier to eliminate suffering.  Armed with that knowledge, we were able to make the difficult decision before Jazzy had to suffer for very long.

Adam came across an organization called Lap of Love.  Lap of Love is a network of veterinarians all across the United States who offer in-home end-of-life care for pets.  Once we knew it was time to end Jazzy's suffering, we contacted our local Lap of Love branch.  Every person we spoke with was so thoughtful and helped us feel like we were making the right decision.  The veterinarian who came to our home was so incredibly kind.  I hope no one needs this service any time soon, but keep this organization in the back of your mind.  Allowing Jazzy to pass peacefully in her own home where she felt most comfortable felt like such a gift for her and for us. 

We made sure to give her the best day before her appointment.  We took her to a trail, brought her dog bed outside in the driveway so she could enjoy the fresh air and got her a puppy scoop from our local ice cream shop.  After a bittersweet final walk around our neighborhood, it was time for the veterinarian to arrive.  Dr. Emily was so sweet to Jazzy and brought her lots of treats to enjoy.  I wasn't really sure what to expect, but the whole experience was very calm and peaceful.  Adam wrote and read Jazzy a letter which had all of us (Dr. Emily included) in tears.  As sad as it was, there sure was a lot of love in the room. 

Here's Adam's sweet letter: 

Dear Jazzy,  

When Sara and I left our house on December 13, 2014, with the intention of “just looking” I had no  idea I’d be finding my very best friend. The moment we saw one another, you trotted across that dog  haired matted couch we sat on at the shelter and gave me a nice kiss right on the face. I knew Sara was  hooked from that moment (I was too), my only reservations were how much hair you left all over me  after sitting in my lap for such a short time (you were just nervous).  

We’re so glad you took a chance on us; we are so lucky to have spent the last nearly 7 years of our lives  with you. You helped us both out of the darkness of unexpectedly losing our first unborn daughter. And  later the unexpected death of our friend Tim. You were there to graciously greet your newborn brother and sister four years ago, even if it meant stepping out of the primary spotlight. Please know that you’ll  always be our first baby.  

We will miss your unconditional love and affection. Your excitement of when one of us has come home  from the office or even a short errand. We will miss your excitement every time we pull your leash  down for your next adventure. I will miss our late-night outings and runs. I will miss walking and  running you while pushing your siblings in every kind of buggy imaginable the last 4 years, no matter  how tricky that might be. I will miss your unwavering interest in the outdoor hikes we’ve taken around  here. Thank you for exploring with us. I will miss you snuggling with Sara and I and despite your size  somehow taking over the queen size bed.  

There’s so much more we wish we had time to do and so much I regret not finding time to do so. But I  realize that no one can divide their time enough, you just do the best you can. The regret / guilt we might feel just means we care for you so much.  

You’ve done so much to help heal, serve and protect this family. You’ve given so much to everyone  you’ve known (even cleaning up a dead mouse in my Dad’s basement yesterday). As gut-wrenching as it  may be, it’s time for us to return the favor and help you along as peacefully as we can.  

We love you so much and if there is a heaven, I know you’ll be there waiting for us. So, till we meet again my friend.  

Love you always and forever,  

Adam and Sara

I miss Jazzy so much.  Our house feels so empty without her presence.  She wove herself so tightly into our lives and there are so many times I find myself still thinking about her.  I miss her little snores that would wake me up in the middle of the night and the way she would scoot her little body right next to mine in bed.  (The bed Adam and I said she would never sleep in.)  I miss the way she always seemed to know when I took out a pair of socks from my drawer and thought it was time for a walk.  I miss her laying in the sunshine in our yard.  I miss her toenails prancing along our floors.  I miss her crunching her dog food.  I miss her excitement when I opened up the bag of her favorite treat.  I miss her warm greetings whenever I came home.  I miss her rolling around on her back when she thought she needed some attention.  I miss her help in cleaning up all the crumbs under our kitchen table.  

I know eventually thinking about Jazzy will bring smiles instead of tears.  I am so lucky to have had her in my life.  Goodbye, Sweet Jazzy.  

My Old Self Would Hate Me Now

As I was pushing Lyla and Archer around Target in one of those giant carts the other day, it dawned on me that I've become the person I used to hate.  When I was struggling with infertility, I couldn't stand to see moms pushing their kids around Target.  Or at the grocery store or walking around the neighborhood or...you get the idea.  It just hurt so freaking much to see other people with what I wanted most but couldn't have.

Don't even get me started with Facebook.  I felt like literally every single one of my friends were announcing their pregnancies or sharing baby pictures.  I had to unfollow friend after friend just so I wouldn't get depressed each time I logged on.

And I didn't want to feel that way.  I didn't want to be feeling jealousy.  I wanted to be happy for my friends and those nice moms at Target.  I just wasn't in a place where I could do that.

But now I'm that lady at Target and that friend on Facebook.  I'm the one unintentionally making other people upset.  And I hate that!  I want to give all those people struggling with infertility a big hug and tell them not to lose hope!  I know that I've inadvertently hurt other people who are struggling with infertility just by being in the same checkout lane at the store or by posting a picture of my babies on Facebook.

Infertility is something that sticks with you.  I still remember how sharp that pain can be.  Being on the other side, being an infertility survivor and IVF success story does take away most of that pain, but I sure remember how it felt.  I'll never forget how much it hurt to lose our first baby, how hard we tried to get pregnant again, and how long it took us to end up with Archer and Lyla.

So I am sorry.  I am sorry to those women who are still working towards becoming moms.  I am sorry the mere presence of me and my babies makes you depressed or angry or jealous.  It's okay if you want to punch me in the face.  It's okay if you walk away without returning my smile.  It's okay if you unfollow me on Facebook.  It's okay to feel what you are feeling.  And I sincerely hope that one day soon you'll get to be the kind of person you one day hated too.

NIAW

This week marks National Infertility Awareness Week.  Even though I am happily pregnant with twins, all the feelings that surround infertility are still very clear in my mind.  Having lived with infertility for so many years, it's hard to shake those feelings.  

Despite my gigantic belly, there are moments when I forget that I am pregnant.  When I see a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, I still get that gut-wrenching jealous reaction until I remember that I am lucky enough to be pregnant too.  It's weird.  I thought that would all go away as soon as we got a positive pregnancy test.  But it's still ingrained in me.

Losing my baby and the infertility that came afterwards broke me.  It's been the most difficult thing I've had to deal with in my life.  It manages to surround your every thought and takes control of your life.  I know I was depressed.  I know I wasn't the best wife or daughter or friend or co-worker during those years. I avoided spending time with the people I loved because they were pregnant or had kids.  I couldn't go to baby showers.  I avoided happy hours, work parties and going to Target during the day.  It was all just too hard.   

And it affects the other people in your life too.  Adam was deeply affected by it as well.  I thank my lucky stars that our marriage was strong enough to survive infertility; some aren't.  I can't begin to tell you how incredibly fortunate I feel to have Adam as my husband.  He had an idea of what I was feeling (though I think it's different for women and men) and cut me lots of slack.  He knew when to hug me and when to let me be by myself and when to get mad and when to try to make a joke.  One of my favorite moments was when someone was telling us that someone was pregnant with twins.  Adam's response was, "Well, are they giving one away?  If not, I'm not sure why you're telling us this."  I just love him so very much.   

I know it was hard for my mom too.  It hurt her to hear about other people getting to have grandchildren. It was hard for our friends and family who didn't know what to say to us or how to treat us.       

My heart goes out to all the people who continue to struggle with infertility.  1 in 8 couples struggle to build a family.*  That is a lot of people and it's so not fair.  It's such a difficult thing to struggle with and it's not something that people can fully understand if they haven't lived that struggle.

My hope for those struggling is that they don't give up.  I hope they can pick themselves up and find a way to continue toward their goal.  It's hard and it sucks and it's not fair.  I'm pulling for you and am here for anyone who might need a shoulder to cry on or a person to vent to or a cheerleader.

Source

I promise you're not alone. 

Here are some posts about infertility that you might find helpful:
Things to Consider When Visiting an Infertility Specialist 
Advice to Infertile Couples
It's Okay... 
What Not To Say To Someone Who's Lost a Baby 

*According to infertilityawareness.org  

Preparing for IVF

Note: I wrote this post back in November, right after Adam and I decided to move forward with IVF.  I am sharing it so you can get an idea of what it was like for us to make this big decision.  

Adam and I decided to move forward with IVF.  I'm feeling all sorts of feelings right now.  

I am excited and giddy with the prospect of IVF giving us a healthy pregnancy.  I really feel like this will work for us, the odds are certainly in our favor.  

I am worried about giving myself shots and going through the egg retrieval surgery.  I am overwhelmed with trying to wrap my brain around the whole process.

I am nervous about how I'll respond to the all the medications.  And I'm nervous about how the egg retrieval will go.  Yep, definitely a lot of feelings!      

But above all, I am hopeful.  This is our absolute best chance of getting pregnant.  And I think being hopeful is super important right now, so that's what I'm going to be.  

Source

The Holidays Are Hard

I am one of those people who always loved holidays.  I loved holidays of all kind and couldn't wait until the next one came around.  But ever since Adam and I lost our baby, many of the holidays have become bittersweet.

I found out I was pregnant on Valentine's Day in 2012.  I was so excited to tell Adam about it!  I wrapped up the positive pregnancy test in a little gift bag and gave it to him right before we went out to eat.  Now every year that Valentine's Day rolls around, both Adam and I are reminded of the fact that we never got to meet our baby.  While we try to focus on our love for each other on Valentine's Day, we can't help but feel sadness about losing our baby.  

Our due date was close to Halloween.  So now Halloween serves as yet another reminder that we lost our baby.  It doesn't help that Halloween is all about cute kids dressing up.  Adam always comes home bummed on the day in October when his work hosts all the employees' kids for trick or treating around the office.  

Christmas is rough, too.  It seems that one family member or another is always pregnant or recently had a baby.  Seeing all our cousins around our age with their growing families at family gatherings is just plain hard.  It's not that we're not happy for them or that we don't wish them all the absolute best in life.  They simply serve as reminders that we don't have the one thing we want more than anything.  

It makes it more difficult because we feel pressure to feel happy about the holidays and family gatherings. Sometimes I feel like I should have won an Oscar by now for some of the acting I have had to do.  

And after feeling sorry for ourselves, it inevitably leads to guilt.  We have so many things in our lives to be thankful for: each other, our health, our jobs, our home, our sweet Jazzy and the list goes on.  We feel guilty that we can't seem to focus on all those wonderful parts of our lives.  

But you know what?  All those feelings are normal.  Even though it feels like we're alone in feeling them sometimes, I know there are other people who feel the exact same way.  My goal in writing this post is not to be a Debbie Downer or take away anyone's holiday cheer.  I simply want to shed some light on the topic and let anyone struggling know they are not the only ones.

I wish those struggling with infertility this holiday season loads of hope!  Hope for getting through the low points of the season.  Hope for reaching out and asking for help if you need it.  And hope for happier holidays in the future.  

Bummer

Our sixth IUI did not do the trick.  Jazzy and I are bummed about it.  Adam is bummed about it.  We are all just plain bummed.    

  

Adam and I are going to take some time to decide which steps we want to take next.  However, we so appreciate all the kind words, happy thoughts and sweet prayers everyone sent our way in hopes that the IUI would work.  We thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  

Pushing the Trigger

Yes, I do mean pushing and not pulling the trigger.  The trigger I am referring to is the trigger shot I had to give myself the other day.

Allow me to back up and explain everything.  I recently shared how Adam and I will be doing our sixth IUI this month.  We are trying out some different medication this month and have a very positive outlook, which we are hoping will result in a healthy pregnancy.  

I went in for an ultrasound of my follicles a few days ago.  Follicles are basically sacs in your ovaries that could produce an egg.  An ultrasound is done to check out how many follicles you have and to measure their size.  I am happy to report I had a great-looking follicle with the right measurements.  I had two other smaller follicles, but they weren't as big as we'd like them to be and won't likely produce any eggs. But all you need is one good one.  Since it looked like my follicle was ready to go, the doctor told me to give myself an Ovidrel shot to trigger ovulation that evening.  

While I can't think of many people who are big fans of needles, I am especially scared of them.  I am a wreck anytime I have to get my blood drawn or get shots.  So the thought of having to not only get a shot, but administer it to myself was enough to make me very jittery.  I did give myself a trigger shot the last time we did an IUI, so I had a little experience.  It wasn't that bad, but the thought of having to do it again was still scary.  

When I went in for my follicle ultrasound, one of the nurses was kind enough to show me exactly what to do when giving myself the shot.  Basically, you just pinch the fat on your belly, stick in the needle, let your skin go, push the plunger, let it sit for 10 seconds and then pull it out.  The nurse made it seem very simple and I felt like I could handle it when I left the office.  

I had orders to give myself the shot that evening.  So I laid everything out and tried to work up enough courage to go for it.   

I let the shot sit on the table for 10 minutes to come to room temperature since it was being kept in the fridge.  The more I looked at it, the more daunting it seemed.  But eventually I worked up enough courage to just do it.  

And honestly, I didn't even feel the needle go in.  I could tell where I had given myself the shot, but it didn't hurt at all.  I had gotten myself all worked up for nothing!  

Next up is the IUI!  Adam and I are in good spirits and very hopeful that we'll end up pregnant.  Here's hoping!  

C'mon Letrozole!

Call us crazy.  Adam and I have decided to try yet another IUI before taking the plunge and doing IVF.  Our thinking is that if we do have to move on to IVF, we can rest assured that we exhausted all our other options.  This will be our 6th IUI.  While we're not new to the IUI process, I am taking some different medication this time around.  

I've taken Clomid in conjunction with our previous IUIs.  It's a pretty common fertility drug that stimulates your ovaries to produce multiple eggs, which increases your chances of getting pregnant.  While many women have success with this drug, it hasn't helped me out.  Among many of the godawful side effects, vision changes can occur.  The last time I took Clomid, I ended up with some temporary vision changes. There was a blurry spot in my left eye.  It wasn't very noticable, and thankfully my vision has since gone back to normal, but my doctor didn't want to take any more chances this time around.  

So I took letrozole this time around.  After reading the pamphlet that came with the perscription and finding that it's most commonly used as a breast cancer treatment drug, I got a bit worried about what I was taking.  I decided not to think too much about it and just listen to my doctor.  I took it for five days and was pleased to find that I didn't experience the extreme side effects I experienced when taking Clomid.  I had some hot flashes and my stomach felt fuller (especially when Jazzy walks across my stomach).  But no crazy mood swings.  Thank goodness!  

The next step in the process is to go in for an ultrasound to check the growth of my follicles.  This will happen next week and I am hoping to have a good number of follicles of the right size.

I'm feeling really positive this time around.  We switched infertility clinics and have a much better feeling about the doctors and nurses at this clinic.  We are also using different medication, which we're hoping will yield different results.  

While I adore my sweet little family, I'd be thrilled with the opportunity to add a baby to it.  Until then, I'll just enjoy the time I get to spend with Adam and Jazzy.  

Feel free to send any positive thoughts, prayers or good vibes our way! 

Retail Therapy

What's a girl to do when she finds out she's not pregnant for the billionth month in a row?  A little retail therapy, that's what!  And that's exactly what I spent my Saturday doing.  I happened to get a $65 rebate from purchasing my contacts in the mail recently and I decided to drown my sorrows in a little retail therapy.

I hit up TJ Maxx and Target, two of my favorite stores.  The main item I was searching for was a new tray for the ottoman in my living room.  The painted white tray that was living on our ottoman had done a fine job, but it was starting to look not so pretty.  The white paint was starting to loose its luster and I was ready for something new. 

I ended up finding this beauty at Target in the kitchen section.  It's a pretty good size and has a darker wood finish.  While I doubt it's completely waterproof, it does seem to have a finish on it that is more durable than my last tray.  The round shape mimics the round ottoman and is a nice contrast to the light fabric.   

I also found the perfect new remote holder at TJ Maxx.  I'm not entirely sure of it's original purpose. Maybe a candle holder?  But it makes the perfect remote caddy.  It's got a brass finish, which ties in with the new knobs on the tv stand and the brass giraffe nearby. 

Jazzy is equally enamored of our new tray setup on the ottoman.  She likes to gaze adoringly at it, just like her mom does.  

The other treasure I found while shopping was a 3-piece duvet set on clearance for only 20 bucks!  I have been searching for some new pillow shams recently, but was appalled at how much they cost!  We're talking 20 bucks for ONE sham!  Why the heck do they cost so much?  So imagine my delight when I found 2 shams, plus a duvet cover for $20!  I snatched that sucker off the shelf before anyone else could grab it. I even found a price scanner and scanned it myself to make sure this deal was for real.  It was!  

The color ties in perfectly with our quilt.  I added our old comforter inside the duvet cover and put it at the end of the bed.  It will be a nice addition when the weather turns cooler.     

While I'm still bummed about not being pregnant, a few nice things for our home does bring me some happiness.  

Things to Consider When Visiting an Infertility Specialist

Over the past three years, I have seen more medical professionals than I have in my whole life put together!  I've gotten pretty good at being a patient, though.  So I thought I would share a few things to consider if you are getting ready to visit an infertility specialist for the first time.  

Ask someone to come with you.

Whether it's your first visit or your tenth, it's always nice to have someone come with you.  Not only can they offer you support, but they can also be an extra set of ears.  I am very lucky that Adam comes with me to most appointments.  I've also had my mom come with me from time to time.  Close friends or other family members would also be good options.  Sometimes it's scary to have to hear what they have to tell you, so it's nice not to be alone.  And there have definitely been things that I have missed or forgotten a doctor has said.  Someone else might also think of different questions to ask.    

Create an infertility timeline.

Each doctor that I have visited has asked me to complete a health history.  When you've had infertility issues as long as I have, there are a lot of dates and surgeries and procedures to remember.  And after awhile they start to get a bit fuzzy.  So I started an infertility timeline.  It's just a Google doc that has all the specific dates of the different procedures and surgeries I've had.  That way, I don't have to look back at old calendars or paperwork when trying to fill out health histories.  I have all the important dates all in one place.  

Bring any paperwork and test results you have.  

Any good doctor should request records from other doctors and specialists you have seen in the past.  But sometimes that takes some time and records might be incomplete.  I have a file of all of my medical records and test results that I keep handy.  I always bring all the paperwork I have with me so they can make copies.  A lot of times it's documentation they already have or will get from my other doctors.  But I would rather them have duplicates as opposed to missing information.  

Research with caution. 

There's a lot of scary stuff out there on the internet, especially when it comes to infertility.  That's why I warn you to research with caution.  I do think it's important to be knowledgeable about different conditions and treatment options.  But there is such a things as reading too much and finding all kinds of things to worry about.  I recommend looking at reliable sites like reproductivefacts.org to answer questions you might have and get a good basic understanding of infertility issues.  But try to stay away from message boards.  They tend to be a breeding ground for complainers and negativity.  

  

Don't be afraid to ask questions.

There is so much information thrown at you when you speak with infertility specialists.  There are also a crazy amount of acronyms they like to throw around.  AMH levels, HSG tests, SHG tests, IVF and IUIs.  It can get pretty confusing.  So don't be afraid to admit you don't know what the heck they are talking about. A good doctor should make you feel comfortable asking questions and should take the time to explain them in a way that makes you understand the answers.  And ask all the questions you have.  Don't worry about asking too many or taking up too much of their time.  When they are meeting with you, it's their job to make you their one and only focus.  

Ask how much things will cost.  

There are lots of different tests and procedures available.  Some are relatively inexpensive or even covered by insurance, like simple blood tests.  Others are astronomically expensive and all out of pocket. When a doctor recommends a specific test or procedure, make sure you ask how much it costs.  It's not a bad idea to get it in writing, especially when insurance companies get involved.  Dealing with infertility is hard enough, you don't want to be surprised by a hefty $1,500 bill for chromosomal testing when you were told it would only cost $99.  (I speak from experience.)  

I hope these tips will help you be more organized and prepared for a visit with an infertility specialist.     

$$$

Get ready, I'm about to step onto my soapbox.  The topic: the ridiculous and unfair costs of infertility testing and treatments. 

Unfortunately, this topic is something Adam and I are all too familiar with.  And it sucks.  We are definitely not alone in dealing with infertility.  Infertility affects one in six couples, which equates to about eight million people.*  That is a lot of people.  When Adam and I started to share about our troubles, it was as if people came out of the woodwork to share about their own struggles.  It is incredibly and unfortunately common.

  

The fact that it is so common makes it hard for me to believe that the costs of treatments seem so astronomical.  It feels so wrong for doctors, insurance companies and drug companies to pray on the desperation so many people feel when trying to become parents.  While I realize options like IVF deal with some very cutting-edge technology, it still just seems unfair.

It's equally frustrating that most insurance plans don't cover infertility costs.  Adam and I recently spoke with the financial coordinator at our clinic.  We asked if there were any insurance companies that do offer coverage for infertility costs and she said that most companies do offer plans with coverage.  But they come with high premiums that employers don't want to pay.  

It's no surprise that people have started to get creative with lowering the costs of infertility treatments. When I went to a support group back in May, there was a lady there who went to Greece for IVF because the costs were far less.  I remember thinking she was absolutely crazy, but after hearing the precise costs involved in IVF, I'm not so quick to judge.  But isn't that sad?  That people have to turn to other countries to get affordable treatment?  

Even adoption comes with a hefty price tag.  And even though the costs are so high, sometimes the likelihood of success is relatively low.  It can all be a big gamble.  Many people end up taking out personal loans and doing fundraising.      

The kinds of people who spend thousands of dollars on treatment are the kinds of people who will likely make good parents.  These are people who will do just about anything to start or add to their families. Where is the justice in that?  

But, as I've come to realize and accept, life simply isn't fair.  After talking with a family member who went through IVF, she ended our conversation by saying that she felt lucky that there are options like IVF available.  If we were living even just 40 years ago, we wouldn't have options like IVF.  We would have to accept that biological children just weren't in the cards for us.  When you look at it like that, it helps put things into perspective.

So what's the point of this post?  I am just complaining?  Well, yes, partly.  But I am also hopeful that something positive will come from it.  Here are some things you could do to help.  The next time you see a GoFundMe or fundraising request on your Facebook feed for a friend or family member, consider making a small donation.  I'm sure they would appreciate any amount, no matter how small.  You could also consider writing to your local representative in support of legislation that requires insurance coverage for infertility treatments in your state.  (There are currently only 15 states that require such coverage.**)

Okay, I will get off my soapbox now.  Thanks for listening.      

*According to the Reproductive Resource Center website. 

**According to the Resolve.org website. 

The Importance of Reaching Out

Over these past few weeks, I have been blown away by the kindness my friends and even complete strangers have offered me.  After getting a second opinion from Dr. Brabec, it seems like IVF will most likely be the direction Adam and I have to take if we want to have our own biological children.  I'm not throwing the hope that we could randomly get pregnant on our own out the door, but I'm trying to also be realistic about our chances.  

In an effort to get more information on the whole IVF process, I decided to reach out to others.  I asked if there were any of my friends on Facebook who went through IVF and would be willing to share their experiences with me.  I was overwhelmed with the kind responses I received.  

People so generously came forward to talk to me and offer up their stories.  I even had a friend connect me with someone who was a complete stranger to me.  I met up with her at a coffee shop and was so thankful for her willingness to share.  We were complete strangers, yet having both been through fertility struggles, it seemed as if we shared some connection.  

All of these people's kindness reminded me of how important it is to reach out to people.  It doesn't matter the situation, people need each other.  I've been the recipient of others reaching out to me, I hope that I can reach out to others, as well.  

Buh-Bye Polyp!

This past week has been a bit of a blur.  Two Mondays ago, Adam and I met with Dr. Brabec for a second opinion on our infertility struggles.  After meeting with her and having a sonogram done, she suggested I have an SHG to get a better look at my uterus.  I was able to schedule the SHG for Wednesday and it revealed that I had a polyp on the lining of my uterus.  It's not uncommon for women to have polyps and they aren't typically harmful.  However, they can cause infertility.  In my case, Dr. Brabec doesn't believe the polyp is what is causing our infertility.  But it certainly wasn't helping anything, so she suggested I have a minor surgery to remove it.  

She assured me that it was very routine.  She said the procedure itself would only take about 10 minutes and it wouldn't be a big deal, although I would be asleep.  While I trusted her completely, I was still a bit nervous about having surgery.  I am not a fan of paper cuts.  Needless to say, I was concerned with how I would do with surgery.  

Dr. Brabec told me that I didn't need to rush into the surgery.  But the thought of a surgery hanging over my head wasn't really something that appealed to me.  Luckily, I was able to schedule the surgery for this past Monday.  I was very thankful that I wouldn't have to think about it for very long and I could just get it over with.  My mom was able to get some time off work and be with me for the surgery and a few days afterwards.  Of course Adam was also there for me, but sometimes having your mom around is just what you need.

I did all the things you normally do when preparing for surgery.  I didn't eat or drink anything past midnight on Sunday evening.  I had to take off my nail polish.  I was a bit bummed about this because I had just painted my nails and I had actually done a really good job.  I know I'm ridiculous. 

Monday morning came around quickly.  I wasn't too nervous as we drove the the hospital or during the check in.  But I started to get more anxious when it came time for the nurse to put in the IV.  First she tried to put it the back of my forearm, between my wrist and my elbow.  After digging around for awhile, she decided the IV wouldn't work out there for me.  I am a big wimp and that hurt.  Things started to get real and I got more scared.  She was able to get the IV in my other arm at the back of my elbow.  That didn't hurt nearly as bad as before.  Then I got to wait a bit.  

Adam and my mom got to come wait with me and they helped to distract me.  But when they I left, my nerves started getting the better of me.  I started to shake a bit, which I think was just from nerves.  Then the nurse wheeled me to the operating room.  She asked me to move onto the operating table, which I did. And that's the last thing I remember.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the room I started out in.  The nurse was with me and started talking to me.  She was asking how I was feeling.  I remember being really sleepy, but trying to be pleasant to the nurse and answer all her questions.  Eventually, I started feeling less sleepy and Adam and my mom were allowed to come back in the room with me.  

I wasn't in any pain and Dr. Brabec said everything went very well.  She removed the polyp and was able to smooth out some other part of my uterus.  Look at how lovely my uterus looks now!  

I was surprised at how little pain I felt after the surgery.  I had some very minor cramping and just a little bit of bleeding.  I even felt up for going out for lunch.  After lunch, I took it easy for the rest of the day. The following day I felt even better and my mom and I spent the day shopping.

I was so happy everything went so smoothly and that it's over with!  I was also especially happy to have Adam and my mom there for me.  This is just one more step in the right direction towards getting pregnant!    

SHG

Today was the day I had my SHG and I am happy to report that I survived!  An SHG is a Saline Infusion Sonohysterogram.  Basically, it's a guided tour of your uterus.  It allows the doctor to check out your uterine lining and see if there are any polyps, fibroids and/or adhesions.

I was a bit nervous about it.  I'm pretty much a wimp when it comes to doing anything medically-related. I was already on edge because I had to have my blood drawn on both Monday and Tuesday.  And then today I had to go have this procedure done.  So much fun. 

It turned out to be just fine.  It certainly wasn't pleasant, but it was relatively quick and bearable.  Allow me to explain how things went in case you are interested or get to endure one of these for yourself. 

I was scheduled to have the SHG, as well as a trial embryo transfer.  The trial embryo transfer helps the doctor figure out the how to place the catheter that will transfer the embryos to your uterus if you end up doing IVF.  Since IVF is on the table for us, I decided to go ahead and have the trial embryo transfer done along with the SHG.  In order to do this, you have to have a full bladder.  If you show up and your bladder isn't full, then the doctor will have to catheterize your bladder to fill it up.  I didn't want to have that happen, so I made sure to drink lots of water prior to the appointment.  I must say, both the doctor and nurse were quite impressed with my full bladder.     

I was also told to eat a small meal and take ibuprofen 1-2 hours prior to the procedure.  My appointment was at 1:00, so I had a small lunch around noon and took some ibuprofen right afterwards.  The ibuprofen is to help take the edge off of the cramping that will happen.

When I arrived for my appointment, I told the doctor and nurse that I am a big wimp and was very nervous.  My doctor took my hands in her hands and thanked me for letting her know.  She said letting her know exactly how I'm feeling helps them help me.  I almost started crying right then and there.  She is such a nice change from my other experiences with fertility doctors.  The nurse was also kind enough to give me a head's up with what to expect and reminded me to keep breathing throughout the procedure.  

The first thing they did was the trial embryo transfer since that was the part that needed the full bladder.  It only took about 3 minutes and was mildly uncomfortable.  The doctor put in a speculum, then threaded different catheters through my cervix and got them positioned correctly in my uterus.  While this was going on, the nurse did an ultrasound on my stomach to help guide the doctor.  So now, if we end up doing IVF, she'll know exactly which catheter to use and how to position it when it comes time for the embryo transfer.  I did have some cramping, but it wasn't too awful.  They both kept telling me to breathe and that I was doing a great job.    

Once that was finished, I got to go empty my bladder, which was greatly appreciated.  Then the doctor did a vaginal ultrasound in preparation for the SHG.  A vaginal ultrasound involves putting this wand thing inside of you and moving it around a bit to get different views.  This didn't hurt at all.

Then it was time for the SHG.  The doctor started by putting in a speculum and then putting a catheter through my cervix.  From there, saline is run through the catheter into my uterus.  Then, a little balloon is inflated to help keep the saline from running out of your cervix.  This part hurt and there was some cramping.  It helps if you try not to clench all your muscles, which is difficult not to do.  Breathing also helped, especially taking nice deep breaths and exhaling for a long time.  The nurse clued me into this, while rubbing my knee and telling me I was doing a fantastic job.  Then the doctor takes the speculum out and does another vaginal ultrasound.  This only lasted a few minutes, as well.  

When it was all said and done, the nurse had me lie down for awhile before I sat up.  Then she had me sit up for awhile before standing up.  She said it's not uncommon for women to get light-headed or pass out when you are messing with the cervix.  Taking everything slowly helped me out and I didn't feel like fainting like I did when I had a HSG done.  

After I was all dressed again, I met with the doctor to tell me what she saw.  She told me that there is a little polyp that measures about 1 cm on my uterus.  She said it's not hugely concerning and is not the reason I haven't gotten pregnant yet.  But she did recommend operative hysteroscopy, which is a surgery to remove it.  She said I would be put under and they could do the surgery vaginally.  It's a short surgery that only takes about 10 minutes and I would go home the same day.  The surgery would ensure that my uterus is the best environment in can be to hopefully house a baby someday.  

All in all, it went well.  It wasn't as traumatic as I was anticipating.  And my doctor and nurse were so sweet and comforting.  I don't have any pain or cramps now and I even treated myself to some frozen custard for having to go through the whole ordeal.  

More than likely, I'll have the surgery to remove the polyp and then go from there.  Until then, I'll enjoy things like frozen custard on a beautiful, sunny, summer day.  

Getting a Second Opinion

Adam and I decided to get a second opinion from another infertility doctor.  While we don't really have anything too negative to say about our previous doctor, we just never really felt a strong connection to the doctor or the practice.  Perhaps that's because we never spent much time with the doctor.  

Adam has mentioned that he'd read if people aren't happy with the results they were getting with their infertility clinics, then they should try out another doctor.  It makes perfect sense.  People get second opinions all the time for lots of medical reasons.  So, we decided to try out a different practice.  

After hearing Dr. Brabec speak at the Kansas City Infertility Awareness conference, we were sold.  She seemed to genuinely care about what she does and seemed incredibly knowledgeable.  The fact that she came to speak at the conference which was held on a Saturday said a lot.  

So I called to set up an appointment in May and we went yesterday.  I have a much better feeling about Dr. Brabec and the staff we interacted with yesterday.  We spent 3 hours at Dr. Brabec's office yesterday and spoke with several different people.  In fact, we got to sit down and speak with Dr. Brabec for a good 30 minutes.  We had her undivided attention and I appreciated her realistic approach.  In addition to everyone being incredibly kind and compassionate with our situation, they also seemed professional and organized.    

We didn't exactly get the news we were hoping for.  I think both Adam and I hoped they would look over our records and do some new tests and find a reason why we weren't getting pregnant that could be easily (and inexpensively) fixed.  That hasn't been the case so far.  We seem to have a lot of little things that are not making it easy for us to conceive.  

While Dr. Brabec presented us with some options, her recommendation is to move forward with IVF.  After hearing about the process and the injections and the cost, our heads were spinning.  To say it was overwhelming would be an understatement.  I guess I never really thought we would have to end up at this point.  But here we are.  We have a big decision to make.  

I'm not going to lie.  IVF scares the crap out of me.  It sounds incredibly invasive and intense.  It is super expensive.  And of course there's no guarantee that we'll end up with a healthy baby when it's all said and done.  

But then I keep asking myself, "What if it works?  What if we do end up with a healthy baby?  Wouldn't that be worth it all?"  We are both thinking things over and not sure what to do.  I know we'll eventually come to the right decision for us.  But it's a hard place to be in right now.  I spent a good portion of our time at the doctor's office (and afterwards) crying.  My eyes are quite puffy today.  

In the meantime, we are having some bloodwork done and I am scheduled to do a SHG (Saline Infusion Sonohysterogram) tomorrow.  That's were the doctor fills your uterus up with saline so they can get a better look at your uterus.  I'm a bit nervous about it.  I had a similar test called an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) done a couple years ago and it was not pleasant.  It hurt and as the doctor was telling me how it went afterwards I started to feel like I was going to faint.  I had to interrupt him and tell him I needed to lie down.  The nurse I spoke with yesterday told me the SHG shouldn't be as bad as the HSG.  I'll be sure to let you know.  Until then, my face will look like this...

My Support Group Experience

After attending the Kansas City Infertility Awareness Conference, I decided to go to their monthly support meeting.  I had contacted the group leader prior to the meeting.  She gave me a head's up on the format of the meeting, so I had an idea of what to expect.  

There were about fifteen or so people in attendance.  Most were women, but there were a few husbands and other family members.  Everyone got a chance to share their story, their concerns, their fears and their hopes.  It was heartbreaking.  To hear one sad story after another was incredibly emotional.  I was very glad I had put a pack of tissues in my purse!  

If nothing else, it was nice to know that I wasn't alone.  Other people have dealt with loss and infertility. Other people have felt the anger, fear, embarrassment, sadness and utter despair that I have felt.  

I had concerns prior to going.  I feel like I am in a good place in dealing with the loss of my baby and my infertility struggles.  I worried that hearing everyone's sad stories would suck me back into my grief and depression.  I didn't want to lose the peace and hope that I have in my heart.  

I will say it was hard to talk about my story and share with others.  And it did bring up some of those old feelings.  But I am glad that I went.  I'm not sure that I will go every month or even if I will go again. However, it is nice to know that it's available.

I think it is so important to have supportive people in your life if you are dealing with loss or infertility.  It doesn't matter what form that support comes in, whether it is a support group, a friend, a therapist, an online forum, a family member or someone else who has dealt with those issues.  I know that I have greatly benefited from the many people who have shared their time with me.  If you are struggling and need some support, check out the Kansas City Infertility Awareness website for more information about their support group. 

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Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day...

...to my beautiful mom.  She is the best woman I know and everything that's good in me came from her.  (I love you bunches!)  

...to all the moms who are lucky and blessed enough to get to hold their babies.  

...to all the moms who never had the chance to hold their babies or aren't able to now. 

...to all the moms who are waiting for their babies to come into their lives.  

...to all the moms whose babies are dogs or cats.

Let all the moms out there know they are loved today!

Kansas City Infertility Awareness Conference

This past weekend I attended the 6th Annual Family Building Conference put on by Kansas City Infertility Awareness.  I must admit I was pleasantly surprised.  

While I've been very open with dealing with the loss of my baby and my ensuing infertility struggles on this blog, I haven't really sought out any therapy or support groups.  Adam and I saw a grief counselor that specialized in infant loss and miscarriages right after we lost our baby.  Neither one of us really connected with the counselor.  Or perhaps it was too soon after losing our baby and we were not in the right frame of mind to talk about what had happened.  So, after two visits, we decided not to go back.  And the thought of attending a support group didn't really appeal to either of us.  We were both a bit guarded and talking in front of a group of people about this horrible thing that happened to us didn't sound pleasant.  

I eventually opened up to family members and friends.  I can't begin to describe how much this has helped me heal.  I truly appreciate all the wonderful people in my life who have talked with me, cried with me and hoped with me.  

About a month ago, one of my co-workers told me about the conference.  Her niece is one of the board members.  Having talked about my infertility struggles with my co-worker, she shared about the conference.  At first, I thought it wasn't for me.  But I decided to give it a try.  I figured if it wasn't for me, I could always just leave.  

I talked Adam into going with me.  I know it was definitely going outside of his box.  But he sucked it up and was kind enough to come along with me.  

I wasn't really sure what to expect, but I am so very glad that I attended!  If nothing else, I feel a little less alone now.  I heard from many different women who have walked in my footsteps and felt all that I'm feeling now.  I also gained some new insight into IVF and adoption after attending breakout sessions on those topics.  

I left feeling more informed about family building options.  I was grateful to all the women who shared their stories.  And I gained some more hope for my future.  I'm even planning on attending the next monthly support meeting.  I'm very excited to see what I will gain from the support group.  

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Thank you to Kansas City Infertility Awareness for putting together such an inspiring, informative conference!  

Taking A Break

I have decided to... 

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...from all the craziness involved in trying to get pregnant.

We kinda felt like we were at a point where we either needed to start looking more seriously into other options like IVF or adoption, or we just needed to take a break from it all.  With summer coming up, we have lots of fun vacations planned.  So we thought taking the summer off from dealing with stressful fertility treatments is exactly what we needed.  That's not to say that we won't continue to try to get pregnant, but we will try not to make is our sole focus in life.  

I have to say, it's been pretty darn nice.  I've enjoyed lots of wine, used spray paint to my heart's desire, stopped peeing on ovulation tests every morning and taken a much-needed break from Clomid.  I hadn't really realized just how consumed I was with trying to get pregnant.  It plagued my every thought.  It controlled my every action.  It was exhausting.

I've been in this "taking a break" mindset for awhile now.  When I got my period this month, it was the first month since losing my baby that I didn't cry about it.  I don't know how exactly I managed to take so much of my focus off trying to get pregnant, but I'm very glad I managed to do so.  

Of course, I still have my moments.  Hearing about a co-worker's pregnancy or seeing a pregnancy announcement on Facebook still feels like a little stab in my heart.  But I am getting better at being happy for them and then moving on.  

For now, I plan to enjoy my upcoming summer!  I'm trying to live in the now and not waste my life worrying about the things I don't have.  Instead, I'm going to focus on things I do have.  And I'm a very lucky girl to have all that I do.