However, some of the things people said really, really hurt. I know that was far from their intention and if they could take back any pain they caused, they would in a heartbeat. But some of the comments felt like a kick in the uterus.
Here are some things NOT to say to someone who's lost a baby:
1. "God has a plan for you."
Well, if that's the case, God's an asshole. I have a hard time thinking the God I believe in wanted my baby to die or needed another angel or whatever. Perhaps some people can take comfort in God in times like these, but I wasn't one of those people. It was such a confusing, emotional time and hearing comments like that did not help.
2. "Don't worry, you'll have another baby."
I didn't want another baby, I wanted my baby. Hearing people say comments like this made me mad. Did they expect me to just cast my little girl aside and move on? Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Sure, having another baby in the future will help ease some pain, but I will always think of my first baby. She's not someone that can or ever will be replaced.
I didn't want another baby, I wanted my baby. Hearing people say comments like this made me mad. Did they expect me to just cast my little girl aside and move on? Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Sure, having another baby in the future will help ease some pain, but I will always think of my first baby. She's not someone that can or ever will be replaced.
3. "My aunt/sister/friend lost a baby, but they went on to have more kids."
I was never really sure how I was supposed to respond to these types of comments. I know the intent is to show me that other people have been through it and come out okay on the flip side. But I was mad when people would tell me about their aunt/sister/friend. I didn't want to have to muster up compassion for these random people I didn't know. And telling me that they went on to have more children made me hate these random people even more. Well, good for them, but I'm still here mourning the loss of my baby. I'm still childless here.
Some people magically knew the right thing to say to me. I'll never forget these kind words and they stick with me to this day.
1. "There are no words, just hugs."
I appreciated the fact that this person didn't try to make me feel better. They simply acknowledged my pain and didn't pretend to know what I was feeling.
2. "I love you."
This seems so simple, but it spoke volumes to me. Just knowing people were keeping me in their thoughts helped.
3. "How are you doing?"
It's always hard to know whether people want to talk about a tragedy in their life. By asking how I was doing, people gave me the option to either say, "I'm doing okay," and move on. Or they gave me the floor to go more in depth about what was going on in my mind. I appreciated people taking the time to check in on me.
4. "It just really sucks."
One of my friends who had been through 2 miscarriages herself said this to me. It was perfect. It was exactly how I felt and coming from someone who knew what I was feeling made it more meaningful.
Of course not everyone's the same. Some of the things I recommend not saying might bring others comfort, while some of the things that felt right to me might piss off some people. I guess my message is just to think really hard about how people might receive what you say. Don't try to say something that will take away their pain. There's nothing you will be able to say that will take that pain away. Just recognize their pain and share your love and support.
I was never really sure how I was supposed to respond to these types of comments. I know the intent is to show me that other people have been through it and come out okay on the flip side. But I was mad when people would tell me about their aunt/sister/friend. I didn't want to have to muster up compassion for these random people I didn't know. And telling me that they went on to have more children made me hate these random people even more. Well, good for them, but I'm still here mourning the loss of my baby. I'm still childless here.
Some people magically knew the right thing to say to me. I'll never forget these kind words and they stick with me to this day.
1. "There are no words, just hugs."
I appreciated the fact that this person didn't try to make me feel better. They simply acknowledged my pain and didn't pretend to know what I was feeling.
2. "I love you."
This seems so simple, but it spoke volumes to me. Just knowing people were keeping me in their thoughts helped.
3. "How are you doing?"
It's always hard to know whether people want to talk about a tragedy in their life. By asking how I was doing, people gave me the option to either say, "I'm doing okay," and move on. Or they gave me the floor to go more in depth about what was going on in my mind. I appreciated people taking the time to check in on me.
4. "It just really sucks."
One of my friends who had been through 2 miscarriages herself said this to me. It was perfect. It was exactly how I felt and coming from someone who knew what I was feeling made it more meaningful.
Of course not everyone's the same. Some of the things I recommend not saying might bring others comfort, while some of the things that felt right to me might piss off some people. I guess my message is just to think really hard about how people might receive what you say. Don't try to say something that will take away their pain. There's nothing you will be able to say that will take that pain away. Just recognize their pain and share your love and support.
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