It's Okay...

Anyone who has dealt with infertility or losing a baby has dealt with all kinds of feelings. You feel anger, hope, sadness, grief, unfairness, confusion and so on.  And it's okay to feel all of those things.  I have given myself permission to feel all of those things.  

When one of my dear friends posted on Facebook that she was pregnant, I had a complete meltdown.  I was a hysterical, sobbing heap on my bathroom floor.  And I felt horrible for responding that way.  I was so mad at myself that I couldn't be happy for my friend that I love.  It was perfectly okay that I responded that way.  It's okay to be pissed off when you see pregnancy announcements on Facebook.  It doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't mean you don't love your friends.  

I remember one particular trip to Target after I had just lost my baby.  I saw a lady there who had two toddlers in a cart.  They were being fussy and the lady blew up.  She yelled at them and I remember stopping and staring.  Having spent 7 years working in schools, I know how kids can test your patience.  But in that moment, I was so angry with her.  I wanted to tell her that she needed to appreciate every crabby minute she got to spend with her kids.  And it was okay that I felt that way.  Though, I don't think it would have been okay for me to actually tell her those things.  

There was a time Adam and I went to Home Depot.  We walked by a couple who had 2 little boys and one very clearly on the way.  Without really thinking, I told Adam that I hoped she was having another boy.  It was snarky of me and I didn't really mean it, but it was okay that I said it.  It's not like I said it to the couple.  It was my way of coping and it did make Adam smile.

My point in sharing these moments, moments that I am not proud to admit to, is to let others who are feeling these things know that it's okay.  It doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you someone who is learning to cope with a sad situation.