Adam and I Took My Cervix Out To Dinner

It's been a week since my specialist put in a pessary.  Along with the pessary, I've been taking progesterone.  The hope is the pessary/progesterone combination, along with taking it easy, will prevent my cervix from shortening any more.  

After my last appointment with my specialist, I'm very happy to report that my cervix has actually lengthened.  Yipee!  That's right, my cervix's shortest measurement is up from 1.5cm to 2.0cm!  Who knew a half of a centimeter could bring me so much joy?! 

My appointment wrapped up around 5, so Adam and I decided to take my cervix out for dinner to celebrate.  We were pretty darn thrilled with the news.  Adam asked the ultrasound technician if there were any good restaurants around and she recommended Trezo Mare.  If you are in the Kansas City area, we now highly recommend it ourselves.  It was delicious and the service was excellent.  We even got free dessert since it was our first time visiting.  The babies definitely enjoyed the chocolate concoction we ordered!  Adam and I decided not to let our server in on why we were celebrating.  Though I don't think the server would have batted an eye.  He was the perfect server and earned a good tip.

So I will continue doing what I've done the last week to keep my cervix as happy as possible.  I will continue to take it easy and relax.  I've got some reading material to catch up on, some Netflix to watch and some weight to gain!  

  

     

House Arrest

So "house arrest" might be a bit too dramatic for this post title, but it is somewhat fitting.  After learning that my cervix was shortening from my specialist, my ob decided that I should do everything in my power to keep these babies in my belly for as long as possible.  So she surprised me by saying I couldn't go back to work.  She wanted me to take it easy and eliminate as much stress from my life as possible.  I was shocked and was not expecting her to say this at our appointment.  

Things got very real at that moment.  To be honest, it scared me.  It scared me more than the previous day's appointment with the specialist.  It made me feel like she knew something my specialist didn't know and she seemed way more concerned about me going into preterm labor.  

And I wasn't ready to give up my job and especially not without saying goodbye to my students.  Thinking about all the things I still wanted to/needed to accomplish before the end of the school year started to stress me out.  I still needed to do end of the year reading assessments for most of my kids.  I needed to do progress reports.  I needed to clear out my room.  I needed to make summer reading suggestion videos and bookmarks for the kids.  I started to mentally look through my to do list and felt like it was too important to just ignore.  

I walked out of the office in tears.  I was scared for my babies and I was upset about not being able to go back to work.  I called my principal that night and managed to tell him the news without crying.  Of course he was incredibly understanding and told me not to worry about anything on the school side of things.  Needless to say, it was hard to sleep that night.  

I spent the next day trying to wrap my head around my new reality.  I realized it wasn't all that bad.  I reminded myself that all my students had moms and that I needed to be a mom to my own babies right now.  I knew my students, their parents and my fellow teachers would all understand.  

I emailed the staff at my school and was so touched by everyone's kind words and well wishes.  I asked another teacher to get a letter to each of my students explaining what was going on.  Several of my kiddos emailed me, letting me know how much they would miss me.  (I might have cried reading those.)  And I asked one of our secretaries to mail home letters to my students' parents.  Many of the parents responded with messages of understanding and thanks for what I'd done for their kids.  I was so overwhelmed with everyone's kindness and caring.  I cried some more, but happy tears this time.  

I should clarify that I am not on bed rest.  My doctor still wants me to walk around my house and do light housework.  I can do laundry, I can walk Jazzy for a short distance, I can go up and down the stairs.  I can even go on short shopping trips to the grocery store.  She just wants me to take it easy.  She felt that me being at home would encourage me to take better care of myself and the babies.  I can eat when I'm hungry.  I can take naps when I'm tired.  I can lay down if I'm uncomfortable.  

And it has been nice to be able to do all those things.  Jazzy has certainly been enjoying the extra time we get to spend together.  We sleep in each morning and hang out together all day.           

This has also helped me realize that once our babies are with us, I'm going to have to be more flexible. Things aren't always going to go my way.  But I'm super happy that our lives are going to change in this way!  I very excited to meet my new little ones...but I can wait until they are full grown before they make their appearance!   

NIAW

This week marks National Infertility Awareness Week.  Even though I am happily pregnant with twins, all the feelings that surround infertility are still very clear in my mind.  Having lived with infertility for so many years, it's hard to shake those feelings.  

Despite my gigantic belly, there are moments when I forget that I am pregnant.  When I see a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, I still get that gut-wrenching jealous reaction until I remember that I am lucky enough to be pregnant too.  It's weird.  I thought that would all go away as soon as we got a positive pregnancy test.  But it's still ingrained in me.

Losing my baby and the infertility that came afterwards broke me.  It's been the most difficult thing I've had to deal with in my life.  It manages to surround your every thought and takes control of your life.  I know I was depressed.  I know I wasn't the best wife or daughter or friend or co-worker during those years. I avoided spending time with the people I loved because they were pregnant or had kids.  I couldn't go to baby showers.  I avoided happy hours, work parties and going to Target during the day.  It was all just too hard.   

And it affects the other people in your life too.  Adam was deeply affected by it as well.  I thank my lucky stars that our marriage was strong enough to survive infertility; some aren't.  I can't begin to tell you how incredibly fortunate I feel to have Adam as my husband.  He had an idea of what I was feeling (though I think it's different for women and men) and cut me lots of slack.  He knew when to hug me and when to let me be by myself and when to get mad and when to try to make a joke.  One of my favorite moments was when someone was telling us that someone was pregnant with twins.  Adam's response was, "Well, are they giving one away?  If not, I'm not sure why you're telling us this."  I just love him so very much.   

I know it was hard for my mom too.  It hurt her to hear about other people getting to have grandchildren. It was hard for our friends and family who didn't know what to say to us or how to treat us.       

My heart goes out to all the people who continue to struggle with infertility.  1 in 8 couples struggle to build a family.*  That is a lot of people and it's so not fair.  It's such a difficult thing to struggle with and it's not something that people can fully understand if they haven't lived that struggle.

My hope for those struggling is that they don't give up.  I hope they can pick themselves up and find a way to continue toward their goal.  It's hard and it sucks and it's not fair.  I'm pulling for you and am here for anyone who might need a shoulder to cry on or a person to vent to or a cheerleader.

Source

I promise you're not alone. 

Here are some posts about infertility that you might find helpful:
Things to Consider When Visiting an Infertility Specialist 
Advice to Infertile Couples
It's Okay... 
What Not To Say To Someone Who's Lost a Baby 

*According to infertilityawareness.org