My Old Self Would Hate Me Now

As I was pushing Lyla and Archer around Target in one of those giant carts the other day, it dawned on me that I've become the person I used to hate.  When I was struggling with infertility, I couldn't stand to see moms pushing their kids around Target.  Or at the grocery store or walking around the neighborhood or...you get the idea.  It just hurt so freaking much to see other people with what I wanted most but couldn't have.

Don't even get me started with Facebook.  I felt like literally every single one of my friends were announcing their pregnancies or sharing baby pictures.  I had to unfollow friend after friend just so I wouldn't get depressed each time I logged on.

And I didn't want to feel that way.  I didn't want to be feeling jealousy.  I wanted to be happy for my friends and those nice moms at Target.  I just wasn't in a place where I could do that.

But now I'm that lady at Target and that friend on Facebook.  I'm the one unintentionally making other people upset.  And I hate that!  I want to give all those people struggling with infertility a big hug and tell them not to lose hope!  I know that I've inadvertently hurt other people who are struggling with infertility just by being in the same checkout lane at the store or by posting a picture of my babies on Facebook.

Infertility is something that sticks with you.  I still remember how sharp that pain can be.  Being on the other side, being an infertility survivor and IVF success story does take away most of that pain, but I sure remember how it felt.  I'll never forget how much it hurt to lose our first baby, how hard we tried to get pregnant again, and how long it took us to end up with Archer and Lyla.

So I am sorry.  I am sorry to those women who are still working towards becoming moms.  I am sorry the mere presence of me and my babies makes you depressed or angry or jealous.  It's okay if you want to punch me in the face.  It's okay if you walk away without returning my smile.  It's okay if you unfollow me on Facebook.  It's okay to feel what you are feeling.  And I sincerely hope that one day soon you'll get to be the kind of person you one day hated too.

Family Photos

Well, this post is only 3 months behind.  That seems to be a recurring theme around the blog these days.  I blame Archer and Lyla. :)

Back in October, we had family photos taken by the incredibly talented Jaime of Anthem Photography.  Jaime took our wedding photos, along with another friend Matthew.  We adored our wedding photos and knew Jaime would do a beautiful job with family photos, as well.

Back before Archer and Lyla were born, I had planned to have a newborn photo session.  But then my babes arrived and time proceeded to move at warp-speed.  So we didn't get around to scheduling a photo session until October.  Allow me to remind you that Archer and Lyla were born at the beginning of August.  Whoops!

But it actually worked out better this way.  The babies were a little bit older and had a little more personality.  Jaime was kind enough to come to our house for a lifestyle photo session.  The thought of having to get to another location with all the crap we would need was a task too daunting for us at the time.  Being in our own home with everything we could possibly need took away a ton of the stress involved in taking family photos.

And Jaime was perfect!  She was so patient with us and the babies.  She even included Jazzy in several photos.  She was flexible and accommodating to our wishes, but also offered up some excellent ideas that we would have never thought to do.  We ended up with the perfect mix of candid and intentional portraits.

I feel a bit vain talking about how great pictures of me turned out, but they truly turned out beautifully!  It's hard to make a mom who is two and a half months postpartum think she looks good in photos, but that's just what Jaime did.

On that particular day, Lyla brought her A-game.  She was full of smiles and showed off her dimple!

Archer was a bit on the cranky side and did a lot of crying.  Despite being Mr. Crankypants, Jaime was able to capture some quiet moments which perfectly show off his typically mellow side.  

Jaime also captured some really sweet moments with Adam and Archer.  And I never would have thought to use that blank gray wall in our guest bedroom as a backdrop for photos.  I'm going to have to remember that for futures photos that I'll attempt to take but won't be nearly as gorgeous as Jaime's.    

When two little babies are your subjects, it's rather tricky to get both looking at the camera and not crying...at the same time.  But check out this sweet winner.  This photo made its way to our Christmas card and on our fireplace mantle.  It makes me smile whenever I see it.  

There were also some darling family shots.  It's once again tricky when you have two babies, but then add the height difference between Adam and I and you've got yet another challenge.  I love this photo because it's in front of our vacation gallery wall.  All of the traveling Adam and I have done together brings back such wonderful memories.  We both can't wait to add more photos of family travels down the line.  Having scenes like this from our home be our backdrop made the photo shoot that much more special.  Once again, this was Jaime's idea and I love it!  

I'm not generally a fan of photos with lots of PDA, but I'll make an exception for this sweet shot.  After all, it was Adam and I's love that created Lyla and Archer.  Well, our love, a chunk of money and a little science.  

Perhaps my favorite shot of all is this one with Jazzy front and center.  While the center of our lives has expanded a bit to include Archer and Lyla, Jazzy is still very much a central feature.  

We're so happy that our family photos can now include two sweet babies, in addition to our sweet fur baby.  We'll treasure these photos forever.   

All photo credits in this post belong to Jaime of Anthem Photography.  We can't recommend her enough if you are in need of a photographer in the Kansas City area!  

The Birth Story: Part 4

Here is the final installment of the birth story.  Here is Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.  

We left off with my sweet babies doing skin to skin with me in my recovery room.  I was so incredibly exhausted and had a very difficult time staying awake.  Eventually our babies were taken to the NICU.  It's standard protocol to have any babies born before 37 weeks taken to the NICU for monitoring.  

It turned out that our babies were healthy!  They had no breathing issues or other health concerns.  They would just stay in the NICU while I recovered and to make sure they gained weight.  Some babies who are born early have trouble latching and sucking while breastfeeding, so it was important to make sure they could do both before they came home with us.  

Since they were so healthy, the NICU nurses made an exception for us- they would bring the babies to my recovery room to visit me every so often for the next few days.  These next few days were a big blur.  I was still recovering from preeclampsia and ended up with some pretty serious complications.  

My kidneys stopped working properly and I went into acute kidney failure.  My liver wasn't working properly either.  I had to have blood drawn every 4 hours to monitor my liver and kidney function.  At one point, the doctors said I would have to be sent to the ICU if my body didn't whip itself back into shape.  

All I really remember about these few days is being completely and utterly exhausted.  The nurses kept telling me to get some sleep, but it was hard to when I was stuck with needles every 4 hours.  I also had all kinds of doctors coming in to check on me.  I have no recollection of anything they said to me.  I just remember trying to keep my eyes open as they were speaking to me.  

The one doctor that sticks out in my mind was the pediatric cardiologist.  If you remember back to this post, a fetal echocardiogram revealed our son had an Atrial Septal Aneurysm.  It was recommended that our son have an echocardiogram once he was born to check on things.  It turned out that it had completely resolved itself all on its own!  That meant Archer's heart was perfectly normal and healthy.  So when Dr. Drake came into my room and woke me up to tell me about this wonderful news, it stuck with me.  I was so incredibly relieved!  

In addition to all the blood draws and doctor visits, I was also supposed to be pumping every 4 hours to get my milk supply up.  So I also had lactation specialists in and out of my room.  Adam is the only reason I am able to breastfeed my babies today.  If it had been up to me, I would have just slept through the pumping.  Adam would wake me up, get all the pump parts assembled and get the pump going.  Sometimes he even held the parts up to my boobs for me.  For the first few days all I would end up with was a tiny bit of colostrum that Adam would swab up with a cotton swab.  He would then take it to the babies in the NICU and stick it in their mouths.  I remember thinking "what the heck is the point of all this for a measly drop or two of breast milk?"  But I was too tired to argue.  I am so glad he made sure I pumped.  After a very long while (days) eventually my milk did come in.  But it wouldn't have if Adam hadn't gotten the ball rolling.    

I can't say enough about how amazing Adam was during that rough time for me!  He took care of me and was at the NICU for the babies' care times.  He communicated to our parents.  He even would go home and take Jazzy on runs some nights.  He was my rock and stepped up in the most wonderful way.  Even though my mind was a bit fuzzy during this time, I knew just how lucky I was that Adam was my husband and Archer, Lyla and Jazzy's daddy.  

If you'll recall, I delivered the babies on Thursday, August 3rd.  I stayed in bed all that evening and the following day and evening.  Friday evening was terrible!  I had the most awful groin pain.  The nurses were a bit puzzled by it, since people don't usually experience that.  They decided it was from the weight I had been carrying around and staying in the same position for so long.  I cried from the pain and was just miserable.  

Typically, you are supposed to get up and move around after a c-section sooner rather than later.  But due to all my health complications, I stayed in bed for far too long.  When I eventually got out of bed, it was Saturday.  It was the most pain I had ever felt in my life.  I cried and moaned and wanted to just get back in bed.  But the nurse who made me get up turned out to be the best nurse during my whole stay.  She got my pain medicine changed to help with the groin pain and the c-section pain.  She got me up and moving around.  She helped me get to and from the toilet.  She wheeled me down to see my babies in the NICU.  And she did all these things with such kindness and encouragement.

My recovery was such a humbling experience.  I have never had to rely on so many people to help me do the most basic things.  There were so many sweet nurses, along with Adam and my mom to help me out.  I'm talking some embarrassing stuff too!  Things like helping me go the bathroom and taking a shower.  I remember sitting on the shower chair with Adam gently washing my hair for me because it hurt my stomach too much to stretch my arms up and thinking if this isn't love I don't know what is.  

Eventually I had to start walking again.  I would walk what felt like forever, but in reality was probably just a few feet towards the NICU.  Then someone would push me in a wheelchair the rest of the way.  There was this one seam on the floor on the way that I hated!  It would kill my stomach each time I was wheeled across it.  That soon became my goal to walk to so I wouldn't have to be wheeled over it.  

  

I continued to recover and eventually my kidneys and liver started to get better.  I was finally released on Tuesday, August 8th.  However, I didn't go home.  I went to the NICU to stay with my babies.  The NICU was a whole other experience, which I'll share all about in another post.  

I am so glad I had no idea how my labor, delivery and recovery would turn out.  It was long, scary, stressful and painful.  I knew it wouldn't be a walk in the park, but I had no idea it would be that rough.  Despite it all, it ended up being worth it.  I have two beautiful, healthy babies.  (One whose lungs work quite well.)   

The Birth Story: Part 3

Here is the third installment of the birth story.  If you'd like to catch up, here's Part 1 and Part 2.  

While I didn't plan on a c-section and was pretty terrified about the thought of being sliced open, I was very ready to meet my babies.  Once the decision was made to move forward with a c-section, everything seemed to move very quickly.  Two anesthesiologists started explaining what would happen once we were in the operating room.  I didn't really listen to what they were saying.  I just started to get very, very scared.  I started shaking because I was so scared.  I remember trying to calm myself down and just focus on the fact that I would get to meet my babies soon.  

I was wheeled into the operating room.  Adam couldn't come with me.  He had to go get suited up and would later rejoin me when things were set up in the operating room.  When I got to the operating room, I was baffled by all of the people in there!  There were two anesthesiologists, two doctors, nurses for me, neonatologists and nurses for the babies.  I heard all kinds of conversations and I remember thinking that everyone seemed a little too calm.  They were talking about their weekend plans and what their kids were up to.  I was moved onto the operating table and they set up a drape so I wouldn't have to see anything.  I was just shaking violently and trying not to burst into tears.  Eventually one of the anesthesiologists realized how terrified I was and told me that everything was going to be okay.  He told me they would make sure I couldn't feel anything before they got started.

Adam joined me at this point and I was so happy to see him.  Having him by my side made things better.  

I assumed they would let me know before they got started, but I started feeling tugging going on in my belly.  It was the strangest feeling!  It didn't hurt but I totally felt pulling and tugging.  I heard on of the doctors say that Baby A was caught in my hip, which explained why I never dilated past 8 cm.  Archer (aka Baby A) was stuck and couldn't move down the birth canal and was also blocking the path for Lyla.  

They told Adam to stand up and watch his baby being born.  I think I would have passed out if I had had to watch them yank a baby out of my stomach, but Adam managed to stay standing.  I heard lots of commotion as they pulled out Archer.  I heard him cry and they held him up for a moment.  Then he was whisked away by the neonatologist and nurses to another part of the operating room to get checked out.  

A minute later they pulled out Lyla.  I heard her cry too and saw a glimpse of her.  I remember Adam asking me if I wanted him to stay with me or go to the babies and I told him to go with the babies.  

I was so incredibly happy to hear them crying!  I started crying and remember my glasses getting all steamed up and stuck to my eyelashes and I couldn't push them down my nose because my arms were out to my side.  Adam came back to check on me and tell me the babies were doing well.   

Eventually Archer and Lyla were brought over so I could see them and kiss them.  They were beautiful!  The most prominent feeling I had was shock.  I was just plain shocked that these babies I had imagined and grown in my belly all these months were actually here!  And they seemed so big and healthy!  Archer weighed 6 pounds, 4 ounces and Lyla weighed 5 pounds, 12 ounces.  I felt so incredibly relieved that they were so big and were crying and didn't have any major health issues.  

I was being closed up while all this was going on and eventually I was taken to another room for recovery.  Adam and I had talked about how I wanted to do skin to skin with the babies as long as everything went well with the delivery.  Adam had to advocate for us and really fight to have the babies do skin to skin with me.  I am so happy he did so!  Both Archer and Lyla were able to latch on and nurse with me before they were taken to the NICU.

It was such a wonderful moment, but I was so tired I had a hard time keeping my eyes open!  A combination of being awake for so long, a long labor and all the medications made me really sleepy.  But I was so relieved that they were here and healthy!

Our babies were born at 35 weeks, 6 days and 21 hours.  They ended up being taken to the NICU and spent 15 days in the NICU as grower-feeders.  I had successfully given birth to two healthy babies!  My health, however, was in question.  I'll share more about that in the fourth and final installment of the birth story.  

The Birth Story: Part 2

So when we left off, I had just gotten my epidural.  If you want to catch up on the birth story, here's Part 1. 

I forgot to mention a few things in Part 1.  Before I got my epidural, I was also catheterized.  I didn't expect that to hurt as much as it did.  It was pretty terrible!  I'm not sure if the nurse who put it in didn't do a good job or if that's just how it goes, but it was incredibly uncomfortable.  It continued to be uncomfortable after it was in.  That was another reason I was all on board to get an epidural.  

I also had an oxygen monitor put on my toe.  And since my legs were so swollen, there were some pressure things that were wrapped around my calves.  They would get tight every few minutes and help stimulate my blood flow to prevent blood clots.  Oh, and a blood pressure cuff that would go off every 30 minutes.  So I had an iv in my arm, a blood pressure cuff on the other arm, leads stuck on my chest to monitor my heart rate, two heart rate monitors on my belly to monitor the babies' heart rates, a catheter, leg pressure things on both of my legs, and an oxygen monitor on my toe.  I couldn't move at all, which was incredibly uncomfortable.  I was used to switching up my position every ten minutes or so, but now I was stuck on my back for hours.  

Remember how I talked about how I was given magnesium because of my preeclampsia?  Well, one of the charming side effects is making you feel incredibly hot.  The nurses had warned me of this side effect and I didn't think too much about it.  But it was terrible!  It made me feel like my insides were boiling!  I have never felt so hot in all my life.  I was also on restricted fluid intake, so I was only able to have a measly half cup of ice chips every few hours.  It was miserable to be so hot and not able to have water or ice.  My throat would get so dry!  I would try to ration my ice chips, but I was so darn thirsty when I finally got my new batch that I would gobble it all down at once!  

Finally a nurse asked me if I wanted some washcloths soaked in ice water to put on my head.  Adam and my mom had been putting washcloths with cold water from the sink on me, but it felt like the washcloths had been soaked in hot water instead.  The ice water-soaked washcloths did help, but they only felt cold for the first few minutes they were on me.  I also figured out that I could suck some water out of the washcloths.  I'm sure I was jeopardizing my health by sucking up more water than I was supposed to, but I was so incredibly thirsty and my throat was so dry I could barely breathe or swallow.  I kept asking people to get the washcloths wet again so I could suck out more water until they caught on.  I looked really pretty at this point.  See below for proof.    

Around 6:15 in the morning on August 3, I was put on Pitocin.  Pitocin helps your contractions get stronger and closer together.  At this point I was dilated to 2.5 centimeters.  

My contractions were definitely getting closer together and they looked stronger on the monitor, but thanks to the epidural I couldn't really feel them.  Even though my contractions were improving, they still weren't really consistent.  The reason was because of the magnesium.  Basically, the Pitocin and the magnesium were working against each other.  While Pitocin works to move labor along, magnesium works to slow or stop contractions.  So the nurses kept cranking up the Pitocin, but the magnesium prevented it from working as well as it would have on its own.

Right around this time, my blood work showed that my blood sugar level was high.  Because of this, I was put on an insulin drip.  What's some more medicine being pumped into my body?  

I was checked several more times and at 10am was dilated to 8cm and was 85%-95% effaced.  The OB on call was pretty excited by this and said that I would probably have my babies by late morning or early afternoon!  I was very excited by this news!

However, late morning turned into early afternoon.  And then early afternoon turned into late afternoon.  Then late afternoon turned into early evening and still no babies.  I never dilated past 8cm.  And my contractions started petering out.  I honestly don't remember a lot about this day.  I had so many drugs running through my body and just remember being super tired and very uncomfortable because I couldn't move around.  I was still super thirsty and hot.  I was so ready to be done!  

Eventually, the OB on call decided to stop the Pitocin for an hour and give me a break.  The thinking behind it was that my body could rest and then give it another try.  My OB had told the on call OB how much I wanted a vaginal delivery.  So the on call OB gave me every opportunity to make that happen.  I definitely appreciated how patient the on call OB was with me.  

During my break, a nurse named Julie asked me if I wanted a popsicle.  I hadn't had anything to eat since the previous evening and just a measly amount of ice chips every few hours, so a popsicle sounded like a four course meal!  I will remember Julie and that popsicle for the rest of my life!  It was the most delicious thing I've ever eaten in all my life!  Even though I was still exhausted and kinda fuzzy from all the medications being pumped through my body, I remember thinking it was quite the coincidence that I was having twins while eating a twin pop.  My mom later told me I had asked Julie if I got to have both sides of the twin pop and that I was beside myself when she said yes.  

After my break, they restarted the Pitocin.  They cranked it up and my contractions did get closer together.  Unfortunately, I still hadn't dilated past 8 cm.  At this point, the on call OB told me I needed to start considering a c-section.  By this point I was so incredibly tired and just plain ready to be done with the whole labor and delivery.  So I agreed it was the best thing to do at this point.  

I'll save the c-section for the next part!   

The Birth Story: Part 1

Archer and Lyla came into this world pretty differently than how I imagined they would.  I pictured an uneventful vaginal birth with Adam sitting by my side the whole time feeding me ice chips and mopping sweat off my forehead.  That's not exactly how it happened.  My labor, delivery and recovery ended up lasting quite a few days.  It's a bit of a blur looking back on it, but I'll try my best to remember it how it happened.  It's far too long to talk about in one blog post, so I'll break it up into parts.  Here's the first part:    

It all started on Wednesday, August 2, 2017, when I had some pains in my left side.  I figured that I had eaten something that didn't agree with me or I overdid it that day, so I took some Tums and ignored it at first.  My mom was in town and we had been out and about earlier in the day.  We had gone to the car wash and I helped vacuum out the car despite my mom telling me not to.  The pain went away for a bit, but came back later on and was worse.  I knew that if I had pains on my right side or the top of my rib cage that it might indicate preeclampsia.  But since the pain was on my left side, I didn't think preeclampsia was the case.  The pain got worse instead of better, so I decided to call my OB's office.  It was about 7pm at this time, so I talked with the after-hours nurse first who passed along the message to my OB.  She called me back right away and I described what was going on.  She decided I should come get checked out just to be safe.  

I still didn't really think I would wind up having my babies anytime soon, but decided to bring along my hospital bag.  I thought maybe bringing it along would ensure I wouldn't need it just yet.  My mom drove me to the hospital and Adam ended up meeting us there on his way home.  I started in triage where they took my vitals, had me give a urine sample and took some blood.  I was feeling pretty good at this point and still was convinced I would be sent back home.  But it turned out that I had protein in my urine and my blood work showed signs of preeclampsia.  I was also pretty swollen at this point.  My feet and legs had been slowly swelling, along with my face and hands.  It was so gradual, that I hadn't really noticed just how swollen I had become.  

With a diagnosis of preeclampsia, I was admitted around 10pm.  My OB was just finishing up a shift, so she checked in with me before she left.  I was scheduled to have my pessary removed two days from then on Friday, but she went ahead and removed it then.  Let me tell you, it was no picnic!  That sucker was clamped on my cervix pretty tightly.  After a bit of tugging, my doctor got it removed.  There were a few nurses in the room at the time and none of them had seen a pessary like the one I had.  They were all standing around, watching the whole ordeal go down.  I really feel like that pessary was the whole reason my babies stayed put as long as they did.  My doctor also cleared out a bunch of progesterone that had collected in my nether regions.  It was quite a lot!  After all that, she was able to tell that I was 2 cm dilated.  She also checked to see the position of the babies via ultrasound.  Both babies were head down, which was a good sign.  That meant I could try for a vaginal delivery.    

Since I had started to dilate and I had preeclampsia, my doctor decided to induce me that evening.  The first step was to get some IV's started.  I was Strep B positive, so I was given IV antibiotics.  I was also given saline to help keep fluids in me.  Finally, I was given magnesium to help prevent any seizures. Apparently women with preeclampsia have a risk of seizures.

Even though I was dilated, my cervix still needed to be softened.  So my doctor inserted some cytotec to help get things moving.  That didn't seem to do too much for me, so the next thing she tried was something called Cervidil.  It's some sort of medication attached to a string that sits near your cervix.  It releases medication that helps your cervix soften.  After this was inserted, the nurse told Adam and I to get some rest.  So Adam popped in some earplugs and went to sleep on the couch in the room.  There was no way I was going to go to sleep at this point.  Not only was I excited and scared and nervous about the idea of having my babies so soon, but I was starting to get mighty uncomfortable.  

I started having more consistent contractions.  They weren't super painful, but I could definitely start to feel them.  Around 4:30 in the morning, my water broke.  I swear Archer decided that he was going to get things moving and I felt a pop as my water broke.  I'm pretty sure Archer punched through his bag of water.  Then I felt water seeping out of me.  I called Adam's name several times, but he couldn't hear me since he had put in his earplugs.  I was kinda mad at him at this point.  So I pushed the call button for the nurse.  She came in and confirmed that my water had indeed broken.  

She left and Adam was still asleep on the couch.  After my water broke, I really felt the contractions. They were so incredibly painful!  I couldn't believe the difference!  I had two contractions and then decided to call the nurse again and ask for an epidural.  I remember thinking about how I had wanted to have a natural birth.  HA!  My OB had recommended that I get an epidural when we had discussed my options earlier in my pregnancy.  I remember thinking, "Well, we'll just see how things go."  I thought I would be able to handle the pain.  I was wrong.  I couldn't push that call button fast enough!  

The nurse came back in and said that contractions are typically stronger after your water breaks.  I told her to wake up Adam at this point.  I figured if I had to be in pain, he could at least be awake!  The epidural fairy came to my room pretty quickly, thankfully.  I had been nervous about getting an epidural prior to feeling any contractions.  I wasn't the least bit nervous after I felt those contractions.  I sat up in bed and leaned against Adam as the epidural was put in.  All I felt was a tiny, little prick as the initial numbing shot was given.  All I felt afterwards was relief.  Sweet, beautiful relief. 

That relief was short-lived...as you'll find out in the next part.  

On a side note, who knows how long it will take for me to write the next part!  It's taken me a month to write this first part.  Apparently two babies require almost all of my attention almost all of the time.  Who knew!? :)

Here's a cute picture of Archer and Lyla to hold you over until part 2:  

They're Here!

Archer Jack Kral and Lyla Hope Kral are here!  Archer weighed 6 pounds, 4 ounces and measured 18.5 inches long.  Lyla weighed 5 pounds, 12 ounces and measured 18 inches long.

Our little miracles were born via c-section on August 3, 2017.  They were born at 35 weeks and 6 days, just 3 hours shy of 36 weeks.  They spent 15 days in the NICU as grower-feeders.  We're all home now and learning all about each other!  Adam and I feel so incredibly lucky to have two sweet, healthy babies!

IVF Tips

The IVF process can be overwhelming at times, believe me!  Adam and I learned a few things along the way and feel like they might be things that could help others out.  So here are a few tips that helped us with the process.  

Shop around to find the best deal on medications.  
More than likely, if you are doing IVF, you will have to get your medications from a specialty pharmacy. Our fertility clinic has a contract with a mail order pharmacy, Conception Pharmacy.  So all of our prescriptions were automatically sent to this pharmacy.  Just because this was where our prescriptions were sent, it doesn't mean we had to end up using this pharmacy.  

Adam decided to contact some other pharmacies and get several different price quotes.  We ended up getting some medications from Conception Pharmacy and the rest from Freedom Fertility Pharmacy.  While this might have been more work, calling around and coordinating on Adam's part, we did end up saving hundreds of dollars.  

Make sure you have everything you need before you start your medication.  
After we met with a nurse from our clinic and she showed us how to do all the different injections, she recommended we look through all the supplies we had to make sure we had everything we needed.  This turned out to be good, solid advice.  In fact, we didn't have a certain type of syringe that we needed.  We were able to contact the pharmacy and get what we needed in time, but it was a bit stressful.  I'm so glad we looked through everything before the night we were supposed to start.  

Take it one step at a time.  
One of the feelings I felt most throughout this whole process was overwhelmed.  I was overwhelmed when I opened up the boxes from the pharmacy and saw all that stuff.  I was overwhelmed after listening to the nurse talk to me about all the different injections I would have to give myself.  I was overwhelmed when reading through all the different schedules and directions we were given.  

I just had to tell myself to take things one day at a time.  I tried not to see the whole big picture all at once.  I just figured out what I needed to do each day and then tackled that.  

Talk to other people who have been there or are there now.  
Thankfully, I had the opportunity to talk with several other people who have been through IVF before. Being able to ask them what to expect from the egg retrieval or hear them say that the shots weren't that bad really helped calm my nerves.  

There was also a crazy twist of fate that involved a co-worker introducing me to her niece who ended up having her egg retrieval right around the same time as me.  We sent lots of texts back and forth and I so appreciated having her there to talk to.  She and I knew exactly what the other one was feeling and we definitely helped each other out.  

Be there for each other.  
This is a crazy, stressful time for not only the person getting injected with hormones, but the partner, as well.  I know that Adam felt stressed out and overwhelmed at times too.  Thankfully we seemed to time our freakouts so that one of us was freaking out while the other person was having a zen moment.  

I can't begin to describe how grateful I was for Adam during this time.  He took care of calling the pharmacies and getting the medication I needed.  He came to all the big appointments.  He took the phone calls from the nurses.  He knew when to crack a joke and he knew when to give me a hug.  I am a thousand times more grateful that he is my husband having been through this experience with him.  If you are the supporting partner, take some notes from Adam because he certainly did all the right things. 

Don't be afraid to get professional help.  
Adam and I went to a couples counseling session with a counselor who specializes in fertility counseling. She herself has been through IVF 3 times, so she knew exactly what we were going through.  I wasn't really sure what to expect when we went to talk to her, but she gave us some of the best advice and it helped carry us through the process.  So don't be afraid to go talk to someone or ask for help if you are doing IVF. It is such a crazy, emotional process that it makes sense you might need some help.  

Save all your receipts for tax purposes. 
The IRS lets you deduct medical expenses on your tax return as long as they are more than 10% of your adjusted gross income.  So make sure you save your receipts if this applies to your finances.  It can help you out on your taxes.  

After it's all said and done, it wasn't that bad.  
Was IVF stressful?  Yes.  Was IVF scary?  Yes.  Was IVF expensive?  Yes.  Was IVF time-consuming?  Yes.  Was IVF the worst experience of your life?  No.  It's easy to get caught up in the awful parts while you are in the middle of the whole IVF process.  But, seriously, it wasn't that bad.     

If you are just starting this whole IVF process or in the middle of it, you certainly have my positive thoughts and well wishes.  And I'm here if you need someone to talk to or listen.  

IVF: PIO=Pain In My Ass

While the Lupron, Menopur and Gonal F shots didn't last all that long, there is one injection that lasts long after a positive pregnancy test.  That would be the PIO injection.  PIO stands for Progesterone in Oil.  I started taking PIO 2 days after the retrieval on December 11, 2016.  This was by far my least favorite injection of them all! 

This is an intramuscular injection, which means it needs to be injected into your muscles.  Yep, crazy, right?!  We were instructed to have Adam give me the injection in the upper, outer quadrant of the gluteal muscle (aka my butt).  It wasn't as terrible as it sounds, but it's definately not pleasant.  

The first step in administering it is to draw it out of the vial.  Since it is in oil, it is very thick.  You have to use a wider needle to draw it up.  When Adam and I were first going through all the supplies, we saw these drawing needles and I about had a meltdown because not only were they long, but they were wide!  I thought to myself, Adam's going to have to use a hammer in order to get that through my skin!  But upon closer inspection of the directions, we realized after you draw out the PIO, then you switch out the wide needle for one much thinner.  It's still just as long, though.  

Adam prepared the shots so I wouldn't have to look at those long needles any more than I had to!  I know it was no picnic for Adam either.  I know I would have had a hard time ramming needles into Adam if the roles were reversed.    

We eventually got into a groove and found some things that helped make them not so painful.  First, I always iced where the needle was going for about 5-10 minutes prior.  There were a few times when I didn't ice the right spot or for as long as I should have and I could tell a HUGE difference and it was much more painful.  Secondly, I leaned against our kitchen counter with the top of my foot on the side Adam was injecting into against the ground.  That way you don't have all your weight on your leg and your gluteal muscle is relaxed.  Thirdly, Adam stuck that needle in hard and fast.  The faster it went in, the less painful.  Fourthly, we had gauze and a band-aid ready to go as soon as Adam took the needle out.  It was important to keep the medicine from coming out of the hole and to put pressure on the area to help with bruising.  

It got worse, the longer they went on.  I was so sore and bruised.  

But I was happy to endure them because they served a very important purpose.  Progesterone is necessary for implantation of the embryo(s) into the uterus and and to maintain pregnancy.  Most women produce enough of this hormone on their own.  But with IVF, you want to give a pregnancy every possible chance, so it's pretty common to do progesterone shots as a part of IVF.

We ended up doing the shots until I was 10 weeks along.  We were both very happy when that day came! Here we are celebrating our final shot!  

While it wasn't fun, it was totally worth it.  We have two healthy babies on the way and I would do the shots every day if that's what it took!       

IVF: Twins!

After the 3 blood tests, the next step was to go to my fertility clinic for an ultrasound at 6 weeks.  This ultrasound was partly to confirm the pregnancy and also to make sure everything was measuring within the normal limits.  

As soon as we found out we were pregnant, Adam started saying we were having twins.  I decided to play along.  I don't think I really believed there was more than one baby in there, but I didn't want to spoil his fun.  

So when the 6 week mark rolled around, January 6, 2017, we headed to the fertility clinic for our ultrasound.  I had Googled how much you could tell from a 6 week ultrasound, because I was curious.  I happened to notice that if there are twins, you can see two different egg sacs (as long as they are not identical and sharing the same egg sac).

So as soon as the ultrasound showed up on the screen, before the nurse even said anything, I saw two different egg sacs.  The nurse confirmed it by saying, "Well, there are two in there!"  

Adam didn't really seem all that surprised since he had been saying there were two in there all along.  I was a bit more surprised, but so incredibly happy!  

We went back two weeks later at the 8 week mark to check for their heartbeats.  And we were greeted with two strong heartbeats!  One was 179 beats per minute and the other was 171 beats per minute. Seeing the heartbeats really made it real for me.  Those little flickers on the ultrasound screen were beautiful!  

After that appointment I was released to my ob/gyn.  It was a little sad to say goodbye to our fertility clinic doctor and nurses.  They played such an important role in our lives and we will never be able to fully thank them for all that they have done for us.  If you are close to the Kansas City area, and need some fertility help, Dr. Brabec at Reproductive Resource Center is the doctor to see!     

IVF: The Call

Ever since the embryo transfer, I was feeling pretty positive that I was pregnant.  I had a good feeling about how everything had gone so far and I felt like we had been in good hands with our fertility clinic. Besides, I felt like Adam and I were due for some good news.  I just felt like it should be our turn for some happy news.  

The 8 days we spent waiting seemed like an eternity.  It was hard to go on with our everyday lives knowing we had this big question mark up in the air.  

I'm not really a religious person (I tried to explain how I feel about religion and God in this post), but I sure did a lot of praying.  Adam came across these affirmations and they actually proved to be pretty helpful for both Adam and I.  I must admit, I did feel a bit silly saying or thinking some of them.  But it did give me some direction on things to say/think other than, "Please let me be pregnant.  Please let me be pregnant.  Please let me be pregnant."  

December 22, 2016, the day we would find out if we were pregnant, finally came around.  The lab at our fertility clinic was closed for the holidays, so I had to go to a different lab to get my blood drawn.  I went to the lab first thing that morning.  The gal who drew my blood said the results would be sent over to my doctor's office that day.  So we would know the results by the end of the day.  

Adam and I wanted to get the results together.  So we arranged for him to come home from work a bit early and call the clinic once we were together.  My school was already on winter break, so I wasn't at work that day.  I spent all day waiting to make that phone call.  

That day, I started to get nervous and question my positive thinking thus far.  What if the results were negative?  What would we do then?  Where would that leave us?  

Adam finally came home and we sat on the couch with Jazzy to make The Call.  The receptionist answered and said she would track down a nurse after we explained why we were calling.  It seemed to take a really long time.  Was it because it was bad news and the nurses were playing rock, paper, scissors to see who would have to break it to us?  Did they even have the results from the lab?

At last, one the nurses, Marci, said hello to us.  She didn't waste any time.  She said she had some good news for us and told us we were pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I could literally feel the relief come off of Adam and I.  We were so happy and I think a bit in shock too.  We had waited for this good news for such a long time and not just the 8 days.  We had waited 3 and a half years.

The next step would be to have two more blood pregnancy tests to make sure my HCG levels were doubling every 3 days.  The first test showed my HCG level at 187.  The second was at 1779 and the third was at 4929.  After those 3 tests, it was safe to say I was pregnant!     

IVF: Embryo Transfer Day

December 14, 2016, was our embryo transfer day.  I was supposed to arrive with a full bladder so I began drinking water as we drove to our fertility clinic.  I was also supposed to take a Valium an hour before the transfer to help me relax.  I had never taken Valium before, so I wasn't sure what to expect with that.  I took the Valium on the car ride over.  By the time we got to the clinic, I was already feeling a bit weird from the Valium.  I just kinda felt like I was floating a little bit, but my mind still felt pretty sharp.  

Adam had set up for us to chat with Dr. Brabec before the transfer to help us decide how many embryos to transfer.  When we arrived at the clinic, Dr. Brabec told us that we ended up with 2 viable embryos and they both looked really good.  She said that as long as we were okay with the prospect of twins, she would recommend we transfer both.  

Dr. Brabec hadn't lead us astray yet, so we decided to just go for it.  We also felt that freezing just one embryo might not be the best option.  Not all eggs survive the freezing and thawing process and we didn't want to end up not being able to use the leftover embryo in the future.  We figured we had dreamed about having two kids, why not have them at the same time?      

I should also mention that I continued to drink water during our conversation with Dr. Brabec.  On some of the instructions we received, it mentioned that if my bladder wasn't full enough, I would have to be catheterized.  I didn't really know what was involved with that, but I decided I didn't want to find out!

Once our conversation was over, we made our way to the fertility clinic's surgery center, which was where the transfer would take place.  By this point, I was miserable because my bladder was so full!  I could barely move around and getting up on the table was darn near impossible.  I was trying not to say anything or make a big deal about it.  But after the nurse got the ultrasound going and saw how full my bladder was, she figured out I must be pretty miserable.  

I ended up having to be catheterized anyway so they could empty my bladder a bit.  It didn't hurt at all, in fact it was a huge relief!  I immediately felt more comfortable and was able to actually put my hips down on the table and into position for the transfer.

The transfer itself was super quick and didn't hurt at all.  Thanks to doing a trial embryo transfer back in June, Dr. Brabec knew exactly what size catheter to use and exactly which position to put it in my uterus.  Rodney was there with our embryos and he handed off the syringe with them to Dr. Brabec.  She squirted the two of them into my uterus and that's all there was to it!  

I was able to get up right away, but it was recommended that I take it easy for the rest of the day.  I could get a snack from the kitchen or go to the bathroom, but I wasn't supposed to do any housework or run any errands.  I spent most of the day on the couch, hoping with everything in me that we would get pregnant.  I took off the following day from work and continued to take it easy.  I wanted to give my body the rest and time it needed to accept our little embryos. 

We got a picture of our beautiful embryos to take home with us.  We put it on the fridge as soon as we got home.       

Now we had to do more waiting.  We would have to wait 8 days until I would have a blood pregnancy test done to see if I was pregnant.  Let me tell you, it was a longggggggg 8 days!  

IVF: Rodney

The day after the egg retrieval, we were supposed to hear from our embryologist named Rodney.  As our embryologist, he was the one who used Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (aka ICSI) to fertilize my eggs with Adam's sperm.  In this process, an embryologist takes a single sperm and injects it directly into an egg.  

In traditional IVF, you just mix eggs and sperm in a dish and see what happens.  You may or may not end up with fertilized eggs with this approach.  But with ICSI, you make sure every egg has the opportunity to be fertilized.  It doesn't mean every egg will fertilize or turn into a viable embryo, but it greatly increases the chances.  When we asked about ICSI, our clinic told us that this is becoming the norm in IVF.  

So Rodney injected one of Adam's sperm into each of my 5 eggs that were retrieved on the day of the retrieval.  He watched over them and then called us the following day with a report.  

His phone call actually woke me up.  As soon as I heard the ring, I knew exactly who was calling so I tried to make sure I sounded awake when I answered.  Rodney's jolly voice told me he had some great news to share.  He said that 4 of my eggs had fertilized!  Once the eggs are fertilized, they are called embryos. So we now had 4 embryos!  This was great news!  He said he would call again in a few days with another update.  

For some reason, it just tickled me to think that this man named Rodney was watching over our embryos.

I got another call from Rodney two days later, which turned out to be even more great news!  He said that all four of our embryos were growing appropriately.  Maybe it was just in my head, but I felt like he was a bit surprised by this.  Given the fact that we only started out with 5 eggs and we still had 4 healthy embryos at this point was pretty awesome.

Rodney said although he couldn't make any promises, he was pretty certain we would have at least one viable embryo to transfer.  He said unless we heard from him, we should plan for our embryo transfer to occur on December 14, 2016.  

Now we had a big decision to make.  How many embryos should we transfer?  All along, Dr. Brabec said she would transfer one or two.  She had told us that given my age and other factors, I should be able to carry twins if we were to transfer two embryos and they both implanted.  I think we had both leaned towards transferring one embryo up until this point.  Obviously a twin pregnancy has the possibility of more complications.  But transferring two embryos would increase our chances of ending up with a singleton pregnancy.  

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Adam had called the fertility clinic and set up for us to come in and talk to Dr. Brabec about the number of embryos we should transfer prior to our embryo transfer.  One of the things I was supposed to do in preparation for the embryo transfer was to take a Valium.  We wanted to make sure I was coherent enough to make such a big decision before the Valium kicked in.  This was yet another example of how Adam stepped up during this whole, crazy process.  

I'll share all about our embryo transfer in the next post.  

IVF: The Egg Retrieval

The egg retrieval was something I was very nervous about.  I would have to get an IV (more needles...) and be under anesthesia.  I wasn't sure how painful it would be afterwards either.  And there was the fear that the doctor wouldn't be able to retrieve as many eggs as we had hoped.

Based on our last conversation with Dr. Brabec, we knew going into the retrieval that I didn't have very many eggs.  Her expectation was that we would end up with 4 or 5 eggs.  Obviously when you are going through the IVF process, you want to end up with as many eggs as possible.  The ultimate goal is that you end up with lots of healthy eggs, some of which you can freeze and use in the future if the first transfer isn't successful.  

Although we didn't expect our egg count to be very high, we relied on the fact that it only takes one egg to make a baby.  I kept repeating this thought in my head on the morning of the egg retrieval and I was managing to stay pretty positive.  

We woke up early, got ready and headed to the hospital.  Our fertility clinic is actually attached to a hospital, so we knew where we were going.  Once we arrived and got all checked in, we headed to the fertility clinic's surgery center.  Adam waited in the waiting room with me until they called my name. Then I was on my own.  Adam had the important task of going to the fertility clinic and providing some sperm. It was a bit nerve-raking to be on my own, but all the nurses were the sweetest, kindest, warmest people. So I knew I was in very good hands.  

Once I was called back, I got into my gown and a nurse got to work getting my iv put in.  It was freezing cold in there and my veins weren't cooperating at first, so they put this heater thing in my gown and had me put my arms inside my gown so I could warm up the veins on my arms.  Eventually I got warmed up and she was able to locate a vein.  It only took her one stick, which I was very thankful for.  They started me on some saline, which helped make me less thirsty.  I hadn't been allowed to eat or drink anything since the previous evening.  Several different nurses, the anesthesiologist and the doctor doing the retrieval all stopped by.  Due to a scheduling conflict, Dr. Brabec wouldn't be able to do the retrieval.  Dr. Phipps ended up doing the retrieval.  He was a man of few words, and kind of stood off to the side of things during all the preparation.  I remember trying to figure out if he had steady hands when he shook mine since he looked a little on the old side.  It turns out he did a wonderful job and I didn't need to worry at all.  

Several different people asked me to tell them why I was there, which I guess is just protocol.  I remember trying to be very pleasant and polite, but all I really wanted to do was cry.  I was getting nervous!  

Eventually I was wheeled back to the room where they would do the retrieval.  I moved onto the operating table and they got me all situated.  They wrapped my top half up like a burrito and took off my glasses. The anesthesiologist said she was going to inject the medicine to put me to sleep and that I might feel a warming sensation and then....

...I woke up in another room with a male nurse typing on a computer in front of me.  I had my glasses back on.  It seemed as if only a second had passed.  I asked the nurse if he knew how many eggs they were able to retrieve and he said 5.  Which was great news!!  There was a chance that there would be fewer or possibly even no eggs, so I was very happy to hear we had 5!  

The nurse asked me how I was feeling and if I had any pain.  I said I was okay and only felt a little bit of cramping.  He asked if I wanted anything for the pain and I said no.  After laying there for a few minutes, I got my wits about me.  I realized my eggs were no longer in me, so I could have some pain medication if I wanted.  I wouldn't have to worry about how it was affecting my eggs, so I said that I would take some pain medication after all.  The nurse injected in some medicine into my iv and in just a couple minutes the cramping stopped.  

From there I was moved to another area called recovery.  The new nurse with me was actually one of the nurses from when I had my polypectomy.  For some reason it made me feel better to see her familiar face.  Adam came back a few minutes later and I was very happy to see him.  I made sure to tell him that Dr. Phipps had retrieved 5 eggs!  After a few more minutes, the nurse asked if I was feeling like I was ready to get dressed.  I was, so she took out my iv and I got dressed.  

I wasn't in any pain, but was still a little groggy.  From there, a hospital volunteer wheeled me out to the front doors while Adam brought the car around.  On the ride home, I remember feeling relieved that the retrieval was over.  I felt like the scariest, most invasive parts of the IVF process were over.  

Now we just had lots of waiting and hoping to do.  We would hear from Rodney the embryologist the next morning.  He would let us know how many of the eggs fertilized.

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