Are You There God? It's Me, Sara.

This post has been floating around my brain for a long time now.  I wanted to take my time with it and be very thoughtful about what I wrote in regards to God.  I know it's a touchy subject and I don't want to disrespect anyone's beliefs.  My thoughts in this post are my own and are not meant to sway anyone to think my way.  I simply want to share my experiences in the hopes that it might help others gain insight.  

One of the reasons I started this blog was because I wanted to create a blog that focused on dealing with the loss of a baby and struggling with infertility in a non-religious way.  So many of the blogs and support groups I looked into were very religious.  Religion brought me little comfort and I didn't want to be constantly told about "God's plan."  I was angry and upset and God wasn't helping me out.  

A huge struggle of mine during this whole crazy journey has been figuring out God's role in all this.  It has tested my beliefs and made me reevaluate my feelings about God.  While I still don't understand everything or even have a clear grasp of my own feelings about God, I have come to some conclusions.  

Crappy things happen.  Period.

I used to think that if you tried to be a good person, then good things would happen to you.  I had the crazy notion that good people were immune to bad things.  Boy, was I wrong!  Crappy things happen. They happen to good people and to people who don't make the best choices in life.  People lose loved ones. People get cancer.  People suffer.  It's awful and it's horrible and it's not fair, but that's just how it goes.  

Why?  Why do crappy things happen?  I don't know.  I don't think anyone really knows.  Crappy things just happen.  It's as simple as that.  No one deserves to have these crappy things happen to them.  And no one's immune to them.  That part's scary.  It doesn't seem to matter if you are a good person or not.

But, in a way, this idea sort of brings people together.  We are better able to empathize and understand each other because of this.  This idea reminds me of a quote I stumbled across on Pinterest:

   

Source 

This leads me to my next conclusion...

I don't believe God has control of every aspect of our lives.

I can't and don't want to believe in a God that would ever choose to make someone suffer the loss of their baby.  Or give an innocent child cancer.  Or any of the other countless, horrible things that people have to endure.  

I believe God is waiting in heaven with all the people we have loved and lost.  And his job is to take care of us after we've died.  I don't think he controls everything that goes on down here.  I just can't justify all the horrible things that happen in this world.      

Love and happiness = God. 

I believe that God provides us with love and happiness.  When I think of all the people who sent me love and kindness after I lost my baby, I felt like God was a part of that.  When I see rainbows and ladybugs, I feel like God is in that, too.   

There it is, everything I believe about God.  I know that lots of people may disagree with me or think differently and that's okay.  I think the whole point of religion and God is to develop your own understanding.  And I'm sure my beliefs will change and grow as I do.   

While I will continue to pray and hope to God that he will send Adam and me a healthy baby (just in case he's in charge of that), I don't fully believe it's up to him.  If it were, we'd have a healthy baby in our arms right now.

Okay, enough about God.  I'll get back to Jazzy and house projects in my blog posts. :)