NIAW

This week marks National Infertility Awareness Week.  Even though I am happily pregnant with twins, all the feelings that surround infertility are still very clear in my mind.  Having lived with infertility for so many years, it's hard to shake those feelings.  

Despite my gigantic belly, there are moments when I forget that I am pregnant.  When I see a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, I still get that gut-wrenching jealous reaction until I remember that I am lucky enough to be pregnant too.  It's weird.  I thought that would all go away as soon as we got a positive pregnancy test.  But it's still ingrained in me.

Losing my baby and the infertility that came afterwards broke me.  It's been the most difficult thing I've had to deal with in my life.  It manages to surround your every thought and takes control of your life.  I know I was depressed.  I know I wasn't the best wife or daughter or friend or co-worker during those years. I avoided spending time with the people I loved because they were pregnant or had kids.  I couldn't go to baby showers.  I avoided happy hours, work parties and going to Target during the day.  It was all just too hard.   

And it affects the other people in your life too.  Adam was deeply affected by it as well.  I thank my lucky stars that our marriage was strong enough to survive infertility; some aren't.  I can't begin to tell you how incredibly fortunate I feel to have Adam as my husband.  He had an idea of what I was feeling (though I think it's different for women and men) and cut me lots of slack.  He knew when to hug me and when to let me be by myself and when to get mad and when to try to make a joke.  One of my favorite moments was when someone was telling us that someone was pregnant with twins.  Adam's response was, "Well, are they giving one away?  If not, I'm not sure why you're telling us this."  I just love him so very much.   

I know it was hard for my mom too.  It hurt her to hear about other people getting to have grandchildren. It was hard for our friends and family who didn't know what to say to us or how to treat us.       

My heart goes out to all the people who continue to struggle with infertility.  1 in 8 couples struggle to build a family.*  That is a lot of people and it's so not fair.  It's such a difficult thing to struggle with and it's not something that people can fully understand if they haven't lived that struggle.

My hope for those struggling is that they don't give up.  I hope they can pick themselves up and find a way to continue toward their goal.  It's hard and it sucks and it's not fair.  I'm pulling for you and am here for anyone who might need a shoulder to cry on or a person to vent to or a cheerleader.

Source

I promise you're not alone. 

Here are some posts about infertility that you might find helpful:
Things to Consider When Visiting an Infertility Specialist 
Advice to Infertile Couples
It's Okay... 
What Not To Say To Someone Who's Lost a Baby 

*According to infertilityawareness.org