A Different Person

Since losing my baby girl I am different person.  I didn't plan to be different; it's just a natural reaction to going through something tragic.  I'm sure all people who live through tragedy change in some way.  You can't help but be different and have a different outlook on life.  I am angry about some of the changes in me, but thankful for some of the others changes.  

I lived a very charmed life up until losing my baby.  I am beyond blessed to have had a happy, perfect childhood.  My high school and college years were filled with close friends and fun.  I worked hard and enjoyed my life just out of college as an elementary school teacher.  I was fortunate to meet Adam and live our little married life together.  The only loss I had experienced was the death of my great-grandma who had lived a full life by the time she passed away.  I didn't really understand what it meant to lose someone close to me. 

My world was rocked when I lost my baby girl.  I was feeling so many new, horrible feelings I had never felt before in my life.  I was depressed, devastated, and quite honestly, unsure of how I was supposed to move forward.  

I am no longer the happy-go-lucky girl I used to be.  And I am so angry about this.  I miss that girl.  I miss being happy and content with my life.  I miss believing that good things will happen to good people and bad things will happen to bad people.  

It also angers me that my whole life is now so focused on both grieving the loss of my baby and trying to get pregnant again.  There's not a day, not an hour, that goes by where I don't think about my baby or the future babies I hope to have one day.  I look back at pictures of Adam and I on dates and vacations and am so jealous of the carefree versions of ourselves.  

However, it's my nature to try to find the silver linings in even the darkest of moments.  There are pieces of the new me that I am grateful to have found.  And lessons I have learned along the way.  I don't believe the reason I lost my baby was to teach me these lessons or change me into the person I am now.  They are just my way of trying to get something meaningful out of a horrible situation.  

I am not nearly as particular and anal as I used to be.  Anyone who knows me, knows I like things to be just so.  Don't get me wrong, I still like things to be in order and organized, but I'm able to move on and continue with my day if things aren't they way I want them.  I used to make my bed everyday, wash every dish as soon as it was dirty, not let the dirty laundry pile up and stay awake at night thinking about the things I didn't get crossed off my to do list for the day.  Now, those things don't bother me like they used to.  My bed didn't get made today and there is a heap of laundry that needs to be done.  And I'm okay with that.  

I also really, truly enjoy all the small moments.  I cherish spending time with my family and friends more than I did before.  I try to find joy in little things; a beautiful sunset, a snuggle with Jazzy and Adam on the couch, a cute set of note cards I found in the clearance aisle at Target.  This also means I cry a lot more.  I've been known to cry at a particularly sweet commercial or two.  

Well...that was a lot.  I know I'm not the only one dealing with grief and I'm sure many people can relate.  I know life will continue to get easier and I will be able to continue healing.  That's definitely something I'm hopeful about.