It's Inevitable

After I lost my baby, I thought it would be nice of the world if everyone could just hold off on getting pregnant until I had a healthy baby in my arms.  That did not happen.  Inevitably, the world kept on turning and people kept on having babies.  I've had family members, friends, co-workers and gobs of Facebook friends get pregnant and have babies.  I'm not going to lie, it sucks when I hear about it.  

I usually have to pretend to be happy for whoever gets to make their big announcement.  A lot of times it makes me cry.  Not happy tears, but big, fat depressed tears.  I almost always think, "Why do they get to have a baby and not me?"  This does me no good to think these thoughts, but I can't help it.  

It makes me mad that I can't share in their joy.  I unfollow my friends on Facebook after I see a pregnancy announcement, because it's just too hard to have to look at their baby bumps.  I don't go to baby showers.  I try to exit conversations about pregnancy and babies.  While all this avoidance might not be the healthiest, it works for me.

I know one day I'll be able to attend a baby shower and join in on a conversation about pregnancy.  That day's not today and that's okay.  

I also know everyone has a sore spot, something they avoid because it hurts. This new-found realization has affected how I talk to people.  I'm more thoughtful about how my conversations might affect people.  I really think before I say things aloud to people or ask them questions.  The last thing I would ever want to do is blindly cause anyone any pain.  While I'm not happy that I had to learn this lesson by losing my baby, it's a lesson I'm glad I learned.