Just When You Think...

One of the difficult things about losing a baby is having to say out loud that you have lost your baby.  Not only do you have to lose your baby, but you have to repeatedly tell people about it.  

When Adam and I lost our baby, we tried to email, text and Facebook message all the people who knew we had been pregnant.  It's so incredibly difficult to have to speak the words, "We lost our baby."  Using technology to our advantage helped reduce the number of times we had to utter those difficult words.  Our parents were also kind enough to pass along the sad news to family and friends so we wouldn't have to do so ourselves.

However, it was impossible to make sure everyone knew.  It was inevitable that we would run into people who would ask us how our baby was doing.  

I remember being asked how old our baby was at Adam's holiday work party. I just took a gulp of my wine and let Adam take that one.  His response was to tell his coworker that he must have been thinking of someone else.  We didn't have a baby.  

It's always hard to know exactly what to say.  Sometimes you just want to avoid the situation and don't want the pity people are bound to give you.  But sometimes you feel the need to tell the truth about the situation.  Some of the best advice I got from a grief counselor was to have a line ready in case someone asked about our baby.  And to practice saying it out loud.  I've had to say my line out loud to people more than I would have cared to, but having practiced it before being face to face with someone certainly made it easier.

This reminds me of the book An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken. (By the way, her book is truly beautiful and I would highly recommend it to anyone who has lost a baby.)  She lost a baby and I remember a part in her book where she said she wished she could hand out business cards with the news of her baby's death on it.  That way she wouldn't have to say it out loud.

I haven't had to speak my sad story out loud very often lately.  However, just when you think you have told everyone who needs to know, someone surprises you.  As a secretary at my school, I am in charge of enrolling new students.  I re-enrolled one of my former students the other day.  The mom asked me how old my baby was now and I had to bring back my line.  Time doesn't really make it any easier to say out loud.  It still makes my heart stop to have to say that my baby died out loud.  But it's good to have that line in the back of my head, just in case I need it.